Vcr

It's official: There's nowhere to hide from the Internet. The gargantuan AOL/Time Warner merger will allow the tentacles of technology to encircle the globe, trapping us all. Everything from Gwyneth Paltrow's new movie to CNN's broadcasts from Baghdad to People magazine's breathless coverage of Prince William's dates will be linked to computers everywhere in some complicated, mysterious way. Forget about clicking on the television or browsing at the...

My mother is not a control freak. She was perfectly happy with her five-button remote control: She could turn her TV on, move the volume up and down and change channels, one at a time. It did the job. So when I presented her with a new one - with what must have been 118 buttons - she did that silent thing she does, that reaction that consists of really no reaction at all. The new remote control came with her new DVD player, which I'd bought to replace her old VCR. But let's back up. At the beginning of this year, my mother turned 80 and moved from her house into a retirement community.

Let's call this one Previews of Going-going-gone Attractions, a quick-cut trip through the year that's just about over.* Bad new trends of '93: The most disturbing, locally and nationally, is the collapse of the inner city art house movement, as exemplified by the recent closing of the venerable Charles. The usual suspects are cited -- rising downtown crime, competition from the national chains, the popularity of the VCR -- and so forth. But the old show-biz line, invoked by Red Skelton for Harry Cohn's funeral, still obtains: Give 'em what they want, and they'll stand in line.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey.... Did you ever ask yourself why Miss M. used a tuffet instead of a chair? Convenience, that's why.What piece of furniture has ever proved as moveable and adaptable as the lowly footstool, also known as a tuffet? It's close to the ground, so kids love it. It's nice to put your feet up on while you read the paper. It's great in front of the TV; you can sit on it rather than squat as you look at all those miniscule numbers while you program the VCR. It's also a magnet for napping cats, supper settings and magazines.

Baltimore City* ROBBERY: Northern District -- A resident of the 900 block of W. University Parkway was about to enter his home Thursday night when he was struck on the back of the head by one of two men, one with a handgun, who robbed him of his wallet, cash, credit cards and watch, all valued at nearly $450.* THEFTS FROM AUTOS: Northern District -- At least seven vehicles were broken into in the 1700 block of Union Ave. Thursday. Taken was money, two hunting knives, two electric drills, clothing, roller skates and a cellular phone, all valued at more than $600.

Have you ever shopped for cars and heard this pitch: "Oh, and this one's got a water bed"?You must have been in the wrong showroom, because at the Howard County Fairgrounds, at yesterday's auction of exotic cars and limousines, you could buy the ultimate vehicle for your driving -- or partying -- pleasure.This 1991 Lincoln stretch limousine -- make that streeeeetch -- features a wrap-around leather couch, two TV sets, a CD player, a tape player, a karaoke machine, a VCR, four champagne sinks, a couple of dozen champagne glasses, a moon (not sun)

Technodolts of the world, unite! Spy magazine's running feature "Meet the Nobelists" this issue asks the laureates the simple yet profoundly revealing question: "Can you program your VCR?" So, for all of you with machines pathetically, perpetually flashing 12:00, take heart -- the VCR-minus mindset knows no bounds:* Paul A. Samuelson, 1970 Nobel Prize in economics: "You happen to be talking to an idiot who literally receives instructions from 2 1/2 -year-old grandchildren . . . on taping things.

Three of my favorite series -- "The X-Files," "Picket Fences" and "Homicide: Life on the Street," are on TV tonight. That's the good news. The bad news is that those three shows are televised within a two-hour period, which means either making tough choices or cranking up the VCR.* "The X-Files" (9-10 p.m., Channel 45) -- Part 1 of 2. Last week we learned that Mulder's new partner, played by Nicholas Lea, was actually a government informant planted to keep a closer eye on Mulder's activities.

When it comes to videocassette recorders, two heads are still better than one.Go Video, a Scottsdale, Ariz., company, markets America's first working dual-deck VCR. With it, you can:* Tape two different TV shows simultaneously while you watch a third TV channel.* Tape a broadcast show on one side while you're watching a prerecorded tape on the other.* Make your own copy from any video source, even those protected by the Macrovision copy-guard coding, although you must pledge the copies are only for personal use.And the unit has memory programming with no need of a battery backup, even in a power failure.