Santa Claus

CHICAGO -- In his 25 years as a part-time Santa, 71-year-old Roger Smith has had children wet their pants while on his lap, pull down his beard and shriek in terror at him.One little boy even told him earnestly, "I hate you, Santa Claus."But nothing has bothered the stocky Santa as much as the little9-year-old boy who walked up earlier this month, climbed on Mr. Smith's lap and asked for a new pair of shoes for Christmas."He was wearing terrible tennis shoes with holes, and he was all by himself," said Mr. Smith, between customers at Lincoln Mall.

MERRY MART: If you don't make it to Holiday Heap on Saturday, you have another chance this weekend to shop for clever crafties and great gifties at The Patterson, 3134 Eastern Ave., from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. You'll find everything from wall decor to soap. Admission is free. Go to creativealliance.org. CANTICLE SINGERS: The women's choir known as the Canticle Singers of Baltimore has been a welcome addition to the cultural scene for more than two decades. The ensemble's holiday concert, featuring Benjamin Britten's "A Ceremony of Carols," will be performed at 5:30 p.m. at the Cathedral of Mary Our Queen, 5200 N. Charles St. Tickets are $12 and $15. Call 410-374-9312.

Salary: : $10,000 per season Age: : 73 Years on the job: : 3 How he got started: : Fifty years ago, a friend asked Marty Kurland to fill in as a clown to entertain at an event. Kurland did, and he loved it. For the next 30 years, he performed as a part-time clown and later as a magician at birthday parties, events and school happenings. He also worked at the Social Security Administration full time as an administrative assistant, trainer and policy writer. Here he formed a clown club where he and fellow employees would perform at Social Security events and later at other government events like the annual White House Easter Egg Roll and the Christmas party for children of diplomats.

Young Charles of Baltimore mailed Santa something unusually festive this year. In his letter to Santa, the boy enclosed drawings of six, anatomically gifted females. Dear Santa, can you make these girls into dolls? Then give them to me. Tank you, Charles."It's a new world," says Pat Mank, shaking her head.Charles' letter went into the heap in Ms. Mank's office at the main post office in downtown Baltimore. Letters to Santa are piled here every year, on this very table, next to the "Women on Stamps" video cassettes and "Postal Guide to U.S. Stamps" books, which could make exciting stocking stuffers.

NOBODY LIES like a parent. Hook one of us up to a polygraph and ask for the truth -- about the tooth fairy or about our sex life before marriage -- and I guarantee the needle won't even flutter ++ when we speak.Parents have a lie for every occasion."This won't hurt.""I'll be right back.""Try it. You'll like it."It is no wonder our children refuse to listen to us. We're probably lying, and they know it.At Christmas time, we trot out our best lies, the ones with all the trimmings. Lies as elaborate as Christmas dinner and as fake as the tree in the mall.

THE CHRISTMAS season officially begins in Glen Burnie at 7 o'clock tonight with the lighting of the Christmas tree at Logo Park at Ritchie Highway and Baltimore-Annapolis Boulevard.Santa Claus will join members of the Glen Burnie Improvement Association, the Glen Burnie Volunteer Fire Company and the Glen Burnie High School marching band to light the tree.The tree lighting is one of several ways Glen Burnie celebrates the holidays, notes Barbara Moeller, the GBIA's unofficial holiday chairperson.

Salary: $10,000 per season Age: 73 Years on the job: 3 How he got started: Fifty years ago, a friend asked Marty Kurland to fill in as a clown to entertain at an event. Kurland did, and he loved it. For the next 30 years, he performed as a part-time clown and later as a magician at birthday parties, events and school happenings. He also worked at the Social Security Administration full time as an administrative assistant, trainer and policy writer.

HE'S A SCARY GUY, A GIANT OF A MAN who wears garish clothes, has too much facial hair and booms out "Ho, ho, ho" in a way that suggests "I eat little boys and girls." At least that must be what Santa Claus seems like to kids who are put on the lap of an enormous stranger and expected to smile for the camera. Just take a look at the pictures on this page if you don't believe us. "What scared little Kimberly Rineer so badly?" we asked her mother, Sharon Mettam-Adams of Cockeysville.

Christmas has always been my favorite time of year, and although there have been years when other things detracted from my enthusiasm, it still holds a degree of wonder for me. OK, I'll admit I still believe in Santa Claus, but it's not the Santa we know today, the one who inhabits malls and shopping centers. It's the Santa I knew as a child, the one who visited our home a few days before Christmas, the one who looked suspiciously like my father dressed in a red suit, his face hidden beneath a flowing white beard and long locks of curly white hair.

Sister Mary Eunice loves two things: killing and encouraging others to kill. She does plenty of both in this episode. Her newest recruit: Santa Claus. Or not really Santa, but a deranged madman who is locked up for killing 18 people from five families in one night, all while donning the traditional Santa outfit. "I'm not feeling very Christmassy,' he said before putting a bullet through the heads of a man and his wife. The scene was the first of two flashbacks showing the dangerous nature of the bearded patient.