Politically Correct

THERE was my septuagenarian sidekick, Fats Drobnak, getting shorn at Tony's shop on South Highland. I had dropped by for a trim, secure that Tony's fingers were still nimble. Fats, I knew, was a longtime patron. Each fractured the English language in a different way.So what's new, my man? I asked."Well, I'm glad it's finally settled," Fats replied.You mean NAFTA?"Naw. Me and Clara been fightin' about when to get the TV fixed. Thing's been actin' up, and givin' it a belt don't work no more.

Last week I pondered several lessons from the making of Francis Coppola's $50 million gamble, "Apocalypse Now." A more recent epic, "The Bonfire of the Vanities," offers additional, hard-to-swallow food for thought.Tom Wolfe's immensely popular book pilloried the greed-strewn '80s. Last year's film version was meant to do the same, and Hollywood's cognoscenti drooled in anticipation. Warner Bros. won the book's film rights and chose Brian De Palma, a director almost of Coppola's stature, to lead the way. De Palma was coming off a big win with "The Untouchables."

Don Hobbs' retirement this week after 19 seasons as boys soccer coach at Old Mill is a sign of the times.No doubt, Hobbs will enjoy watching his youngest son play at Broadneck the next three years after not getting to see his oldest boy play. But his stepping down is a loss to the vanishing breed of coaches who teach the game of life.Hobbs, the only boys soccer coach Old Mill has ever had, is from the old school, where discipline, instruction and their relation to life are priorities. We've lost too many like him in recent years.

Like 98 percent of the so-called economic experts in this country, I have no idea if President Clinton's recovery package has a chance of succeeding -- assuming, of course, he gets it by the wake-me-when-it's-over Congress.However, there is one area where I would be happy to lend my expertise to Hillary's roommate, and that's in the area of the endless "White House Jogging Track" saga. For want of a better name, let's call it Quarter-Mile Gate.To facilitate things, just skip by the part where the overpriced track was started in the back yard of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. at the same time the Prez was preaching sacrifice and belt-tightening out front.

St. Paul, Minnesota. -- In latex we trust. The Clinton administration, taking advantage of a slow news day (no state-trooper stories, no charges of financial wrongdoing), went to bat for America's condom makers last week, urging patriotic Americans to get it on.At a press conference in Washington, Secretary of Health and Human Services Donna Shalala unveiled a series of clever TV and radio announcements promoting latex condoms as a barrier to the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, including AIDS.

The face that launched a thousand cake mixes is about to get a historic make-over as part of her 75th anniversary.Whether Betty Crocker's new visage will send consumers sailing for the grocery shelves remains to be seen. But one thing seems certain: The new Betty Crocker will depart from her 75-year-old ,, tradition of looking overly middle class -- and very white."We're sure to get a much more ethnically diverse looking Betty Crocker. She is intended to represent the women of America, and a lot has changed about women in America since the last portrait was done," said Barry Wegener, director of communications for General Mills, the Minneapolis-based food products giant that has marketed the Betty Crocker line since 1921.

Spend an hour with Superintendent Stuart Berger and he'll tell you this has been "a wonderful year, quieter by design" than the last one. He'll say that he's mellowed, that he accepts defeat more easily and that he likes what he sees in the schools."

A better idea for making up snow daysI read with amusement about the problems the Baltimore County School Board had with school closings due to bad weather this winter.A better solution than the additional hours given to the schools would have been this: Since a half day of school (four periods) is considered a "school day," set aside one "make up day" to count for two days that were missed. Double up on the major subjects and drop the minor ones if necessary . . .Another idea would be to send home at least four hours of homework for the children to complete.

One day, Skipper was down and out in Howard County -- a scroungy, underfed, homeless hairball tethered to a tree.The next, he was lord of a Columbia tract home: hand-fed microwaved breakfasts, surrounded by toys, vacationing at a ski condo and touting his own line of wrist watches.Well, at least one watch. Donna Kennedy, his "mother," sports a custom-made watch with Skipper's photograph on its face. It is his Christmas photo."My husband says I'm on Skipper time," Mrs. Kennedy says with fierce maternal pride.

D. Wayne Lukas may seem to the public an unlikely candidate to be one of the most hands-on trainers working in horse racing today. He shows up on television - like Saturday, when his horse Oxbow cruised to a win in the 138th Preakness - looking more like a grandfather enjoying an unbothered retirement in a place where the sun is barely hidden. But the opposite is true. Sunday morning he appeared at his barn a bit later than planned but still less than 12 hours after his horse fended off a listless field in an unexpectedly languorous middle leg of the Triple Crown.