Larry Bird

BOSTON -- OK, listen up, as an old football coach of m acquaintance used to say, and listen up good.Stop pining for Larry. It's over. There will be no miracle comeback, now or ever. He quit for a very good reason."My back is very shaky," says No. 33. "It still hurts a lot. No leg pain, but my back still hurts. If I tried to play, I would have lasted for about three days. I really haven't been able to do much of anything physically. I've gained 15 pounds."Of course, he misses playing. He's Larry Bird.

Magic Johnson's Sept. 29 announcement that he was returning to the NBA was early enough that, of the major companies producing NBA sets, only Fleer won't have Johnson in its first series.After his retirement, Johnson signed an exclusive agreement with SkyBox International Inc., maker of NBA Hoops and SkyBox. Once he renounced his retirement and signed a contract, he was again covered by the NBA players association's licensing agreements.Hoops, with an eight-card subset, and SkyBox, with a five-card subset, ended up having a jump on their competitors rather than an exclusive.

ST. LOUIS -- The following warning goes out to all Magic Johnson fans, and all those who can't read enough about the Los Angeles Lakers star and his return to the Lakers:In an effort to get NBA fans up to speed as to what's going on around the league this fall, there will be no further mention of what's-his-name for the remainder of this column. This is not meant as a slight to No. 32, but merely as a brief timeout. Management guarantees there will be plenty of mention of Mr. Johnson in later columns.

HOUSTON -- William L. "Larry" Bird, a curator for the Smithsonian Institution's National Museum of American History in Washington, was thrilled with his find."

Don't despair, Cal Ripken Jr. fans.As the season grows late and free agency looms for the Orioles' franchise player, the general public seems to have increasing fear that Cal will test the free agent waters this fall.But the man who represents Ripken, Baltimore lawyer Ron Shapiro -- who has a long history of being able to keep his Oriole clients here -- sounded hopeful the other day."You know me," Shapiro said. "I'm an optimist. I always think things will work out."Not quite always.Early in the season Shapiro was expressing doubts that there would be a new contract that would keep the soon-to-be 32-year-old shortstop in Baltimore for the rest of his career.

BOSTON-- Larry Bird is gone and we are again reminded that at the upper level there is Good, Great, Superstar and Truly Irreplaceable. And inside Truly Irreplaceable there is one further subsection, wherein reside the athletes whose ultimate gift to the sports fan is a vision, a feel, an actual inspiration that is so rare and so highly developed that when these individuals cease playing, they leave a spiritual void that threatens the True Believer's subsequent...

Larry Bird cut his own hair at the Olympics.He did this, he said, because he found out that a haircut in Barcelona would cost him $80.Eighty dollars truly is an outrageous price for a haircut, but Larry Bird earns $80 about every one-tenth of a second.I know why Bird really cut his own hair: He is afraid of Mystery Haircuts.Mystery Haircuts are the haircuts you get when you are away from home and can't wait until you get to your regular barber.The second worst place to get a Mystery Haircut is a hotel barbershop because the barbers know they will not see you again for a long time.

BADALONA, Spain -- He was desperate to get his aging and battered body to Barcelona, and last night the crowd at Palau D'Esports De Badalona found out why.It wasn't the Larry Bird of 1981's Game 7 with Philly, or the '86 Bird whose all-around performance in Game 6 against Houston ranks as one of the most exquisite exhibitions of basketball ever. But it was a pretty damn good Larry Bird, and that means the ticket was worth the price.Since we already know who will win each game, the nightly question is which player will merit being ushered into the interview room.

PORTLAND, Ore. -- Charles Barkley compared the Dream Team experience to "summer vacation," but it's more like summer camp. Golf in the daytime, basketball at night, rest in between.Head counselor Chuck Daly makes sure everyone gets to play, and the NBA Olympians follow instructions so well, he doesn't even have to threaten them with arts and crafts.Tuesday night, Daly needed two volunteers for finger-painting -- er, zone-busting. Chris Mullin and Michael Jordan raised their hands, and soon after the game was decided.