Jerry Seinfeld

People . . . People who need forks are the yuckiest people in the world.OK, so Barbra Streisand didn't exactly sing those lyrics during her recent concerts at the USAir Arena in Landover. She might as well have.The culinary word on America's Funny Girl is that she eats salad sans utensils, drinks only American bottled water and avoids green peppers because of a food allergy.Other than that, Ms. Streisand has been a poster girl for the Food Pyramid in recent days, eating lots of vegetables, fresh fruit and fish.

MY GRANDMOTHER, who was no fool, took a strict line on people and events. They fell into two categories: they were either good for the Jews or bad for the Jews.In the simpler times of the 1950s, the bad-for-the-Jews list began with Hitler, always the gold standard, and descended all the way down to the jerk who elbowed his way to the front of the line at the Woodmont Country Club buffet. In between came Roy Cohn, Meyer Lansky and the Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.Good for the Jews were Adlai Stevenson, Abba Eban, Steve Lawrence, Eydie Gorme, Eleanor Roosevelt and Sammy Davis Jr.About the only public personality I remember being a close call, in my grandmother's eyes, was Elizabeth Taylor, when she converted to Judaism to marry Eddie Fisher after stealing him from Debbie Reynolds.

If we had to do the holiday shopping for some of TV's most popular characters, what would we get?* Detective Andy Sipowicz of "NYPD Blue": Long-sleeved, pinpoint Oxford dress shirts from Lands End.* Detective John Kelly, "NYPD Blue": Boxer shorts -- because we're tired of seeing your backside. Well, some of us are tired of it.* Maggie O'Connell, "Northern Exposure": Although she never would admit it, Maggie would go goo-goo over Robert James Waller's "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend."* Dr. Joel Fleischman, "Northern Exposure": Maggie, while high on Waller.

For me, the most ironically interesting TV battle of the evening comes in the wee hours of the morning, when the Disney Channel's "A Smoky Mountain Christmas" (3:05-4:45 a.m.) is pitted against TBS's late-night showing (3:15-5 a.m.) of "Smokey Bites the Dust." Even so, the place to turn in prime time is Fox for "The Simpsons" and NBC for "Seinfeld."* "The Simpsons" (8-8:30 p.m., WBFF, Channel 45) -- Homer has been tempted extramaritally once before on this series, with a waitress at Moe's.

Baseball action continues on CBS -- but fans of other tempting offerings, such as "The Simpsons" and "Seinfeld" have some choosing to do. Or, at lease, some fast remote-control zapping.* "National League baseball playoffs" (8 p.m.-conclusion, WBAL, Channel 11) -- Game 2 of the NL play- offs, after which the Philadelphia Phillies give up home-field advantage and move on, with the Braves, to Atlanta. CBS.* "The Simpsons" (8-8:30 p.m., WBFF, Channel 45) -- Kelsey Grammer appears -- or, more accurately, his voice does -- on two different comedies tonight.