I Swear

LOS ANGELES -- Judge Ito hates me.On the surface it appears that he hates the media in general.He has kicked all reporters out of his courtroom during some jury selection in the O. J. Simpson trial. And he may not allow any cameras in the court during the trial itself.He has forbidden prospective jurors from watching television, listening to radio, reading newspapers, going into bookstores or humming any Broadway show tune written after "Oklahoma."In theory, Judge Ito recognizes that reporters are part of our constitutional system of checks and balances, acting as watchdogs on the apparatus of government.

When John Michael Montgomery was a kid, he never figured he'd end up as a big-time country music singer. In fact, he never thought he'd be a singer at all."I was a guitar player," he says. "When I got in a band, my objective was to be a good guitar player. I actually focused on that before I even focused on being a lead singer -- or being asinger, period."I'm probably more accomplished on guitar," he adds, over the phone from a tour stop in Champaign, Ill. "I used to spend three to five hours a day, every day, just playing guitar and learning.

As if we didn't have enough problems, they're now making a sequel to "Casablanca." Only the most absolutely perfect movie ever made.There are certain things you just don't mess with. The Bill of Rights. Cherry Garcia ice cream. Ellen Barkin's crooked smile.And, of course -- actually way, way beyond, of course -- "Casablanca."We're not discussing "Beethoven 3," folks. Or "Look Who's Talking, Still." This is art. Making a sequel to "Casablanca" is like painting the other moods of the Mona Lisa.

New Orleans -- The TV sold me a Solo-Flex over the holidays. I FTC have been quietly wishing for a god-like body ever since the last time I watched TV and noticed some perfect humans doing acrobatic things.The Solo-Flex they said, will give you this god-like body if you follow the three-times-a-week exercise without fail. It didn't say for how long. On the demo tape, the person who demo'd certainly had a god-like body, but I have no idea what he started with.What I had to start with was a tiny -- I swear -- potbelly caused by the food-rich city of New Orleans, biceps exercised only by lifting books, thighs used to climbing aboard buses and airplanes and one typing finger on the verge of carpal syndrome.

Oysterback, Maryland. -- We was all right, Huddie, I swear we was. Wade and Mookie and I only had about seven, eight beers apiece. Besides, it wasn't our fault that Wade had the gun. He'd just bought it offen a guy down the road and hadn't finished up the paperwork on it, that's all.It wasn't really concealed, he had it stuck in his belt. You just couldn't see it when the cops pulled him offen the truck 'cause his jacket fell down over it. They was no call to throw him up against the door like that, and that's what I told the judge, too.Hell, all we was gonna do was go bass fishin' over to Tom's pond up to Windy Hill, but we got over to Tom's and his old lady told us not to go fishin' there because they had a whole bunch of swans layin' around the pond, and they didn't want 'em all riled up. You know what swans is like when they gets all riled up and they're nestin'?

The gifts are bought and wrapped, the cookies are baked and the house is decorated --oh, yeah, sure! If you're like us, the Christmas countdown is bringing about its share of worries and joys. Each day until Dec. 25 we'll pass on some thoughts or tips on the holidays.It's beginning to feel like a listless Christmas.And I'm not referring to the economy; I'm talking about my annual everything-I-need-to-do-before-Dec. 25 list.You see, I haven't written it yet. And I'm not planning to either.

Spending the day at Kings Dominion with Ray Ueberroth proved one thing for certain: He is not like normal people. At least not when it comes to riding roller coasters.Our suspicions about him developed during our first ride of the day aboard the hair-raising Anaconda. Maybe you've seen the television commercials promoting it. Carloads of young people are shown returning from the 90-second ride with white hair and wrinkles. For once, there could be truth in advertising.The Anaconda is the only coaster in the world to plunge riders through an underwater tunnel; it's the only one in the country with a twisting butterfly turn.

An Elkridge man convicted of snatching an 8-year-old Brooklyn Park girl from a street corner and molesting her was sentenced Thursday to15 years in prison.Jeffrey Meredith Chaney, 35, received 15 years for kidnapping and five years, to be served concurrently, for battery and a third-degree sexual offense despite his protests of innocence."I work hard, I'm a hunter and a fisherman and a golfer, and I ran my own business. I have no reason to do something like this," Chaney told Anne Arundel County Circuit Judge Bruce C. Williams.

An Elkridge man convicted of snatching an 8-year-old Brooklyn Park girl from a street corner and molesting her was sentenced yesterday to 15 years in prison.Jeffrey Meredith Chaney, 35, received 15 years for kidnapping and five years, to be served concurrently, for battery and a third-degree sexual offense despite his protests of innocence."I work hard, I'm a hunter and a fisherman and a golfer, and I ran my own business. I have no reason to do something like this," Chaney told Circuit Judge Bruce C. Williams.