Hair Spray

All his horse's connections were at the Breeders' Cup and Keeneland sales in Kentucky, leaving jockey Jose Velez to fend for himself yesterday in the Safely Kept Stakes at Laurel Park.And Velez did a nice job of steering Hair Spray to a 1 3/4 -length victory in the Grade III, $110,650 stakes to end a string of six straight third-place finishes by Robert Meyerhoff's filly.Hair Spray ran in her usual fashion, lying in last before springing to life after four furlongs and closing with fury. Velez brought her six wide to pass the tiring front-runners and out-kick long-shot Expensive Issue to the wire.

For the first time since last Aug. 31, jockey Frank Douglas rode in a competitive race yesterday as Pimlico Race Course opened its only meeting of 1998.He didn't win -- didn't even come close -- but just having the chance was enough after a horrendous accident at Timonium put him in a life-threatening situation last summer."It's there. I still have it 100 percent," said the veteran after finishing seventh aboard Specialappointment in the seventh race, the first of his two mounts.The other Douglas mount, Jiggy's Lightning in the 10th race, was eighth as the second choice in a 10-horse field.

If you want to know what real pressure is, just try using a Barbie doll to set underwear on fire on national television. I did this on Dec. 21, on the David Letterman show. Technically, I was on this show to promote a book, but unless you're an extremely deep thinker such as Madonna, the Letterman people don't like you to just sit there and talk. They want you to have what is `` known in the TV business as a Strong Visual Element, to keep things moving along. To give you an idea of what I mean, here's how the Letterman show would rate two hypothetical guest spots:Weak guest spot: Nobel Prize-winning research scientist explains revolutionary new and easy way to prevent cancer.

(Note from the Legal Department: The activities described in this column are dangerous and stupid and possibly illegal and should be performed only by trained humor professionals who are good at sneaking around. This newspaper assumes no responsibility or liability for any injuries, deaths, maimings, cripplings, eyes getting poked out, pregnancies, fires, riots, ointments or suppositories that may or may not occur as a result of some moron attempting any of these activities or any other actions, forfeitures, debentures, indemnifications, and such other big, scary legal words as we may or may not think up at some future point in time.

As executive director of the Bureau of Consumer Alarm, I am always on the alert for news stories that involve two key elements:1. Fire.2. Barbie.So I was very interested when alert reader Michael Robinson sent me a column entitled "Ask Jack Sunn" from the Dec. 13, 1993, issue of the Jackson, Miss., Clarion-Ledger. Here's an excerpt from a consumer's letter to this column:"Last year, my two daughters received presents of two Rollerblade Barbie dolls by Mattel. On March 8, my 8-year-old daughter was playing beauty shop with her 4-year-old brother.

Three teen-age girls who confessed to police that they planned on kidnapping and robbing a taxi driver near Annapolis Mall were arrested Tuesday after the plot failed when one of them could not find the hair spray she planned on using as a weapon.The three Dorchester County teen-agers, one 14 and the other two 15, were charged with attempted robbery, attempted kidnapping, conspiracy to kidnap and battery. They were being held yesterday at the Waxters Children's Center, police said.The girls told investigators they had run away from home and planned to go to Florida.

Around the house* Smooth out caulking around windows, tubs and sinks by rubbing an ice cube over caulking seams.* Remove cat hair from upholstery with a damp squeegee.* When grilling outdoors, use separate plates for carrying raw and cooked meats. Raw juices can contaminate cooked food.* Hair spray will remove stains on hands from felt-tipped markers.* Buff kitchen counter tops weekly with a soft cloth that has been dipped in lemon oil. This will help preserve the finish and will maintain a shiny surface.

Fort Lauderdale, Florida. -- The answer to America's economic woes can be found in cookies, pornography and hair spray.Many of us want the government or someone else to foot the bill for education, health care and all the other boring stuff, claiming that we simply don't have the money to pay for them ourselves. And yet, each year, U.S. consumers spend $5.6 billion for cookies, $8 billion for pornography, and $505 million for hair spray. How can a people that has the moral will to buy 100 million M&Ms a day seriously wonder where the dough is going to come from to pay for all the services we say we need but cannot possibly afford?

It's so difficult to choose. Should you get the shampoo that promises improved elasticity or the one that guarantees extra bounce? Should you believe Victoria Principal's pitch for Jhirmack or Kelly LeBrock's endorsement of Pantene?Paul Linthicum of Johann and Rene Hair Designers mentionedJhirmack as "pretty good," although he considered his salon's own hair products under the label, Top Hair, superior and competitively priced, at $6.20 for a 16-ounce bottle of shampoo.Cheryl Buxbaum of Cheryl's Salon says she would probably buy Jheri Redding or Sassoon items if she ran out of salon products and just had to run to the grocerystore.