News from the future:
•President Elizabeth Warren welcomed the 10 millionth underage child to illegally immigrate to the U.S. and immediately offered each of them and their children free tuition at the university of their choosing. The president explained that such tuition "assistance" represented reparations for America's racist, imperialist past. Interestingly, the Warren administration exempted the children from Obamacare coverage, explaining that new arrivals had a right to higher quality health care than where they came from.
•An innovative Republican direct mail campaign came under fire by a number of prominent civil rights organizations. The plan, entitled "You've Got Mail: Dead or Alive" will deliver campaign brochures to the last known address of deceased voters nationwide. GOP leaders responded unapologetically, noting there was no good reason why the deceased should be forced to vote the straight Democratic ticket. A second report surfaced that the Republican National Committee is preparing a similar mail campaign targeted to illegal aliens.
•Russian President Edward Snowden today announced support for the Russian-speaking citizens of northern France. In a provocative move, Vladimir Putin's successor cited longstanding support for socialist policies in certain French provinces and the likelihood that some French citizens had taken Russian as a second language in high school as the primary reasons behind his "outreach" campaign. In a related news item, Snowden indicated further support for the cities of Cambridge, Mass.; Berkeley, Calif.; and parts of Montgomery County.
•The AFL-CIO Ohio State Buckeyes today filed an unfair labor practice complaint against the AFSCME University of Michigan Wolverines. Seems last year's Michigan utilized a "no huddle" offense, which in turn required the Buckeye defense to engage in more plays from scrimmage than originally agreed upon in the NCAA's collective bargaining agreement. The Teamsters-affiliated Collegiate Officials Association was rumored to be contemplating similar action, as the extra plays required more running — which made the officials "tired" — in violation of new "referee work rules."
•Brown University rescinded its honorary degree to actress Jane Fonda. While applauding Ms. Fonda's open and notorious support for the North Vietnamese during the Vietnam War, the Ivy League school's faculty nevertheless found Ms. Fonda's actions "did not go far enough in helping the enemy." Ms. Fonda took the bad news in good cheer. "If I had it to do over again, I'd go out on patrol with the Viet Cong," stated the Hollywood diva, on tour in North Korea with her new exercise video, "Stay Fit on 750 Calories a Day."
•A Dartmouth faculty panel voted to eliminate grade point averages from student transcripts to avoid so-called "trigger warnings." The newest craze in academic psychology, trigger warnings are contained in academic materials that could lead to the onset of post-traumatic stress disorder. "The ridiculous chase for good grades triggers all kinds of stress-related ailments, including anxiety, depression and feelings of inadequacy — especially in lazy, under-performing students," commented Dean Oprah Winfrey. "No grades means everyone at Dartmouth can feel good about themselves — the real purpose of a liberal arts education."
•The NFL owners and Players Association announced support for the construction of 32 new strip clubs adjacent to each NFL stadium. Jim Irsay, spokesman for the owners, noted that 97.8 percent of player-involved criminal offenses occur at the clubs. "Our goal is to furnish a comfortable locale where the players can relax — and we can keep an eye on them," commented Mr. Irsay. NFL players' rep "Pac Man" Jones called the move a welcome step forward in player safety but sounded a cautionary note: "Who's going to keep an eye on owners like Irsay?"
•The last private sector business departed Maryland today. "Joe's Car Wash," a five employee operation in Bel Air, took down the Maryland flag on its way to Shrewsbury, Pa. — a so-called "sanctuary city" for small businesses that have escaped from Maryland. Maryland Democrats immediately declared victory. "Good riddance", responded Maryland Senate "President-for-Life" Mike Miller. "All these business people do is complain about high taxes anyway. Geez, there were even a few who believed their BG&E bills were going to be cut if they voted Democratic, don't know where that came from."
Robert L. Ehrlich Jr.'s column appears Sundays. The former Maryland governor and member of Congress is a partner at the law firm King & Spalding, the author of "Turn this Car Around" and "America: Hope for Change" — books about national politics. His email is firstname.lastname@example.org.To respond to this commentary, send an email to email@example.com. Please include your name and contact information.