'The Bachelor' recap: The Women Tell All

AKA: The women tell nothing we didn't already know

(Rick Rowell / ABC )
March 04, 2014|By Denise Weiss | For The Baltimore Sun

Are you ready to meet "The most memorable women from the most controversial season of 'The Bachelor'?" If so, then you should find the women from someone else's season because all we have here are Juan Pablo's unmemorable girls. Juan Pablo brought all the controversy himself by going on a reality show to find a wife when he wasn't at all interested in finding a wife. Before we let the dejected women rip Juan Pablo to shreds, Chris Harrison reminds us that love can in fact be found on "The Bachelor," and newly married Sean and Catherine take the stage.

Sean and Catherine are the first to sit in the hot seat and Chris compliments Catherine's "grown sexy" Demi Lovato haircut. Catherine now has bangs which she will regret by next week. Now that pleasantries are out of the way, Chris asks the question that is on none of our minds: "How was the wedding night?" Some things are better left in the honeymoon suite, but Sean wants everyone to know that despite the "born again virgin" thing, he is an amazing lover! He goes on to say that the wedding night was great and there were fireworks! Catherine, on the other hand, wants everyone to know that Sean's fireworks were "quick." Nice way to emasculate your new husband Catherine. (By the way - they make a pill for that now. I believe it's blue and starts with a "V"). Catherine then makes things worse by patting Sean's leg and saying "He toots his own horn so I have to keep him in place." I'm not sure what that means, nor do I want to know anything about Sean's horn. Everyone is uncomfortable except for Catherine, so Chris sends Sean a lifeline and says "Welcome to the club buddy, don't worry, you got 50, 60 years to get it right." Sean tries to recover his manhood by squeaking out "We're good." Someone should have told Catherine that "The Women Tell All" episode does not mean she needs to tell all about her wedding night romp. Hopefully we have heard the last of Sean and Catherine's sex life.

"So what else did you do on your honeymoon?" (Please, please, please talk about something other than sex). Sean says that they had fun and swam with the stingrays, which was a really nice non-sex story until Sean unnecessarily informs us that one latched onto his "man parts." Thanks for the visual Sean, but seriously, we have heard enough about your penis.

Next up is a shameless plug for a new Muppets movie. Chris Harrison has to do something to earn his paycheck this season, so he interviews Kermit and Miss Piggy about their upcoming nuptials. He doesn't ask them about their sex life. PHEW. As if this isn't strange enough, Juan Pablo joins in the conversation. I hope that Kermie keeps a close eye on Miss Piggy or Juan Pablo will take her to the ocean.

Finally, Chris introduces the 17 ladies who have decided to attend the Juan Pablo massacre, including Andi, Sharleen, Renee, Lucy the Free Spirit, Kelly the Dog Lover, Kat, Cassandra, Chelsie, and a few others who I have never seen before. Even Molly the dog is in attendance, and everyone is pleased to see that Molly has not died from a herpes infection from swimming in the mansion pool. In fact, according to Kelly, Molly didn't like Juan Pablo from the start, and that makes Molly the smartest girl in the house. The ladies all look happy, relaxed and tan.  

Chris starts the conversation with "Some love him, some don't" and asking the ladies "What did you like about Juan Pablo?"  The consensus is that he is hot and has an accent. Sadly, once the girls got to know him, both of those traits disappeared, leaving nothing but a shallow, self-centered dimwit with an annoying accent. Andi confirms this and says "At the end of the day, looks can fade and you need more than that." The girls chime in that the questions he asked them were "surface level" and that he really wasn't interested in getting to know them. Duh. Lauren S. says their conversations were superficial and he wasn't interested in getting to know her. That's because he wasn't interested in getting to know you, Lauren.

Cassandra said that when they were together all they talked about were their kids, but that wasn't enough for her, and she was looking for something more. Renee, on the other hand, said she had a great experience talking about their kids. Lauren S. thinks she is entitled to speak again and calls out that Juan Pablo wasn't genuine. Kelly quickly reminds Lauren S. that she was very into Juan Pablo until the night she begged for a kiss and didn't get one, but rather got sent home crying and embarrassed. Sounds like a case of sour grapes to me.

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