A 36-inch blizzard in the Mid-Atlantic was cited by Harvard Professor and former Vice President Al Gore as yet further proof of global warming. "The colder it gets, the more we should worry," commented Professor Gore, shortly before leaving on his private jet for the annual "Environmentalists Against Private Jets" convention held in Honolulu, Hawaii.
The 118th Congress kicked off its one-day session this morning. The Congress came to a close shortly after noon due to lack of work. Historians noted that sustained congressional inactivity began during the latter stages of the Obama administration, wherein thousands of executive orders began reducing the congressional workload. Speaker Nancy Pelosi commented that Congress adjourned early in order for her members to "find out what was in the bills" passed that day.
The town of Shrewsbury, Pa. officially changed its name to "Northern Maryland" today. Two hours later, Baltimore election officials noted that GOP registration in Baltimore had been reduced to "zero." Maryland State Senate "President for Life" Mike Miller noted that despite the new registration numbers, Democrats in Annapolis would continue to blame Republicans for the city's countless ills.
The new federal crime of "income inequity" was signed into law today by President Bill de Blasio. Progressives rejoiced as the "Allowable Legal Income Earnings Number" (ALIEN) was set by the federal government at $51,621 per year. Per the new law, any earned income over the ALIEN will result in confiscation by the Internal Revenue Service. President de Blasio also announced an ALIEN waiver program whereby selected labor unions and Hollywood actors would be allowed to keep whatever they make.
Republican opposition to a proposed extension of federal unemployment benefits was decried by Senate Majority Leader Al Franken. With chants of "10 years or nothing" echoing in the background, Franken lashed out at "coldhearted" Republicans who had sought to maintain the present benefit level at 468 weeks, or nine years. ACORN spokesman Anthony Weiner assured concerned taxpayers that "10 years is no entitlement," just a reminder of how difficult it's been since "shovel ready" jobs dried up in 2009.
With much fanfare, a coalition of activist groups announced that "homelessness" would no longer be a part of the progressive agenda. Sponsors cautioned that the issue would resurface once a Republican was returned to the White House. The newly constituted "ACORN II" said it would forego public demonstrations for four years, preferring instead to "assist" people in qualifying for Obamacare subsidies.
High school football was officially outlawed in every state today. Leaders of "Concerned Parents Against Violence and Keeping Score" (CPAVAKS) praised the move, pointing out that football's militarist jargon and emphasis on winning was not the way forward for a more sensitive, egalitarian culture. A spokesman for the group noted that "bigger, faster, stronger" was more an '80s throwback than a mantra for an accepting culture no longer preoccupied with winning and losing. Interestingly, the campaign to do away with keeping score appears to have originated in Montgomery County, Md., where outdoor scoreboards were first eliminated in 2020.
The 25th extension of Obamacare's employer mandate was granted today, ensuring that most American small businesses would not be forced to comply with the law's draconian mandates until "hell freezes over." (Al Gore could not be reached for comment in Honolulu.) The postponement makes the 2,488th unilateral amendment to the "Affordable Care Act" and means the original 2,300-page bill has now been reduced to about half a page, title included.
In a related story, a small Indian tribe in southwest North Dakota became the latest beneficiary of an Obamacare waiver. Seems the tribe's compelling legal argument ("Hasn't the government done enough to us?") carried the day. Fully 98 percent of the country is now exempted from the "Affordable Care Act."
MSNBC offered its weekly apology for insulting remarks directed to black, Asian, Jewish, Muslim or gay Republicans by its hosts. NBC President the Rev. Al Sharpton admitted that while most of his hosts just don't buy into the notion of anything other than a white, straight Republican, it would be advisable to keep their thoughts private, before ratings on his network dip below reruns of "Gilligan's Island."
The American Civil Liberties Union today sued Major League Baseball for allowing players to cross themselves prior to entering the batter's box. The civil liberties group pointed out that such religious practice has no place in a secular sport — and besides, such demonstrations do not in fact help a weak hitter reach a slider in the dirt. The group further promised to investigate the Wake Forest Demon Deacons, New Orleans Saints, New Jersey Devils and Holy Cross Crusaders.