'The Bachelor' recap: I Juant You to Juant Me

  • Juan Pablo loves soccer, as the women are well aware. Renee, Sharleen, Alli, Andi, Christy and Juan Pablo discuss strategy.
Juan Pablo loves soccer, as the women are well aware. Renee,… (Rick Rowell / ABC )
January 21, 2014|Denise Weiss | For The Baltimore Sun

DISCLAIMER: Before we discuss what is so very wrong with tonight’s episode, I would like to address el elefante in the room.

Recently, Juan Pablo made some very disturbing comments concerning the possibility of a gay Bachelor. I do not care to repeat his comments nor bring attention to them, other than to say that I do not share in or condone his opinions. Juan Pablo has apologized for his statements, explaining that his words were misconstrued because of a language barrier. Good try, Juan Pablo, but we heard you loud and clear. Now that I got that off my chest

First Juan-on-One Date

Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion wearing a really ugly two-tone blue shirt and announces that the first one-on-one date, entitled “Love Is A Wild Ride,” will go to 21-year-old, single-mom-with-a-long-neck, NBA dancer Cassandra

Juan Pablo arrives at the mansion in an open-top converted Jeep. Cassandra bounces out in an orange romper that she borrowed from Cameeeelllla, jumps in the Jeep and says that she hasn’t had a first date since she was 18. That is probably because she has been pregnant and nursing since then. As they drive along, Cassandra squeals, claps her hands, raises her arms and yells “wheeee.” Juan Pablo probably thinks it’s his regular Friday visit with Cameeeeeelllla

At the water, Juan Pablo does his best 007 impression and drives INTO the water. The car turns into a speed boat and Juan Pablo will live to date another day. They zip across the water in the Jeep/boat thing and passers-by want to know how fast it can go. Juan Pablo replies “very fast.”

They pull the Jeep/boat thing up to a waiting yacht, board the yacht, then jump off the yacht. YAWN

Back at the mansion, Renee has forgotten that this is a competition; she is holding therapy sessions for all the other women who are totally stressed out that Juan Pablo is dating other people

Night falls on Cassandra and Juan Pablo’s date and our lovebirds find themselves back at his place cooking dinner (Mamma y Pappa have taken Cameeeeeelllla out for the night). Juan Pablo drinks water while Cassandra drinks wine, which may actually be her first legal drink. They salsa dance for a little, then eat chocolate by the fire.

Fortunately, Cassandra brought about 100 pictures of her two-year-old son, because once they establish that Juan Pablo does not want to eat malted milk balls, they have absolutely nothing to talk about. Despite their age difference and lack of chemistry, Juan Pablo gives her the date rose because she is a good mom. I think he knows that she is a good mom by the way she lovingly kisses him on the forehead, all the while making sure he isn’t running a fever

Group Date: Juan-on-Diez

The Group Date card arrives and invites Kelly, Renee, Sharlene, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Christy, Lucy, Andi and Nikki to “Let’s Kick It.” Uh Duh, I wonder what THAT could possibly mean? Maybe they are going to play soccer?

Ding Ding Ding, soccer it is!

Juan Pablo has a great theory that he will get to know the girls better by watching them play soccer. The girls arrive in various hues of pastel tanks, and Alli whips out the cleats she wore under her dress the first night out of the limo (she just knew those were going to come in handy). Sharleen admits she has never worn a pair of cleats in her life, but at least her updo is now in two braids and she looks less like an opera singer and more like an uptight Pippi Longstocking

During the warmup, it quickly becomes clear that some girls are better than others, and that Kelly’s strategy is to pray for a broken leg or a nose. The girls are divided into ywo teams, red and blue. I can’t tell you which girl was on which team because they all still look exactly the same to me.

In the end, Lucy wore clothes, Nikki was very competitive and Juan Pablo proved that he can play soccer better than any of the girls. I have no idea which team won. My only commentary about the game is that not one person, Juan Pablo included, thought that each team would have benefitted from a goalie

Despite the ladies' exhaustion from all that physical activity and balls across the face, there is no rest for the winners or losers; they are all invited to return to the stadium for the evening portion of the date, which consists of spending time with Juan Pablo in various areas around the soccer stadium.

Nikki sits in some seats with Juan Pablo and asks him about his biggest fear. His response should have been “making stupid remarks to the media.” Instead, he says he likes her vibe and that she is sexy. Nikki rambles on and on, babbling about nothing and sounding a lot like Charlie Brown’s teacher, so I just tuned her right out

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