'Dancing with the Stars' recap: Night 5 shocker!

  • Christina Milian and Mark Ballas
Christina Milian and Mark Ballas (Adam Taylor / ABC )
October 15, 2013|Amy Watts | For The Baltimore Sun

The show opens with Aloe Blacc performing "Wake Me Up." This is one of those songs that I've heard a million times but couldn't have told you the title or the singer.

Now that we've gotten rid of a few couples, we should go back to the individual walk-out, long-form introductions, but they're just coming in from the side of the stage instead of down the stairs. They're also entering to the house band's rendition of "Wake Me Up" instead of my beloved cheesy "Dancing with the Stars" theme music.

WAIT! WHAT IS THIS? Based on last week's viewer votes only, they're telling us it will be a female star going home. But the judges' scores will still determine who goes home tonight. So, let me translate: A female star got the fewest votes from the at-home audience last week.

This is the "most memorable year" night. Blech. I don't care about FEELINGS.

Christina Milian & Mark Ballas

Cha cha cha

They replay Julianne's diss of Mark from last week's show, where she said what I've been saying for years, which is that Mark steals the spotlight from his partners.

Christina's most memorably year was the year she became a mother and then found out her husband was cheating on her, which led to their divorce. So that leads to them using Cee-Lo's "Forget You" (aka "F*** You"). Mark is wearing a bright neon-green vest and neon=pink tie to match Christina's dress. He's restrained himself to merely white for his spats. I take great delight in the fact that his pants make him look hippy.

Len's glad to be back, and one reason why is getting to see that dance. Bruno loved it as well. Carrie Ann liked that it was full of cha cha content with good technique.

Judges' Scores: Carrie Ann: 9; Len: 10; Bruno: 9

Coming back from commercial, Aloe Blacc is singing "Ain't No Mountain High Enoughm" with the house band backing him. I dig it.

Brooke is standing with Amber, Elizabeth and Nicole. My German exchange student says of Nicole, "The one on the right -- she's not very clever, is she?" When I say, "What makes you say that?" my student responds, "That is not the face of a smart person." Ouch. Nicole wasn't even talking and she gets judged.

Jack Osbourne & Cheryl Burke

Jack's most memorable year was last year, 2012. He became a Father in April and his daughter, Pearl, is so cute it's unbelievable. Less than 2-1/2 weeks after she was born, he was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. He says the worst part of the diagnosis was how it would affect his daughter and his ability to care for her.

Every now and then Jack's got the dreaded "pancake hands," but he's really going for it with his arm extensions. They do one of those "guy walks backward dragging the lady as she drags one foot" moves, and it's not the most graceful thing you've ever seen.

I was speaking recently with a professor who teaches introductory English composition at a big state university, and she said one of the hardest essays to grade is the "personal essay," because how do you honestly critique someone's recounting of the time their mother got hit by a drunk driver while rushing their terminally ill grandfather to the hospital when he'd been bitten by a rattlesnake? When someone's been through something really emotional and devastating, how do you grade that honestly? That's how I feel about the judging on "Most Memorable Year" night.

Bruno called it light and musical with great lines and is even amazed that Jack got his butt under control. Carrie Ann says, "The grace of [his] being translates into the grace of [his] dance." Len says the waltz is a big dance and that he appreciated that they did so much of the dance in hold. Len also critiques his hands slightly.

Tom asks Jack about a half-smile he gave to Cheryl during the routine and Jack jokes that Cheryl smiled at him and he remembered dancing is supposed to be fun and so he smiled back. He then quips, "It smiled, so I smiled back." Hee.

Judges' Scores: Carrie Ann: 9; Len: 9; Bruno: 9

Leah Remini & Tony Dovolani

Leah's most important year has been this last year. Without saying the words "Scientology" or "church," she talks about leaving a way of life you've known your whole life. She implies that a big reason she left the church was for her daughter's sake.

Leah comes up with an idea for choreography: Tony is a puppeteer pulling her strings and she finds her strength and breaks away. She explicitly says, "Whatever that means for anybody. Could mean anything." Someone's worried about HQ getting litigious.

I'm not sure how much this is real "contemporary" choreography, but from a standpoint of Leah asserting her message of independence, it's great. Especially with Katy Perry's "Roar" as the soundtrack.

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