'Real Housewives of Miami' recap, Hurricane Adriana

  • Adriana De Moura.
Adriana De Moura. (Tommy Garcia / Bravo )
August 20, 2013|By Derek Chavis

If I had to learn one new thing from each "Housewives" episode, tonight would be the phrase “Draconian Antics.”

The “Draconian” stems from the ancient Athenian law maker, Draco, and basically means “small offenses that carry harsh punishment.” Bet you didn’t think we were going to learn something from these crazy, catty ladies, did you? This was a phrase used by Adriana to describe her former bestie, Lea, and the way she has been acting toward her.

But this is the meat of the recap, so let’s start with a side, shall we?

We start tonight in Chez Zago/Krupa, as we watch Joanna and Romain enjoy a nice breakfast of melon and strawberries together as they chat about their future: Wedding plans, houses, prenups? That’s right, folks. Romain used a sweet little chat about his future with Joanna to throw in the “P” word. The rest of the episode she wonders what that means. As far as this viewer is concerned, you should both be watching your backs.

Lisa’s storyline was pretty fun this week as she and Lenny start shining more light on the Star Island home situation. In Lisa’s first season as a cast member last year, we learned that she and Lenny had purchased a house (but were just concerned with the plot of land on which it stood) and wanted to knock it down to build the house of their dreams in one of the most exclusive neighborhoods in Miami, Star Island. They purchased the house in foreclosure and were set to start tearing it down when a bunch of preservationists began to fight them legally, claiming that the house was actually the house used in the movie “Scarface.”

Lisa tells us about the struggles Lenny has been facing carrying the mortgages of two multi-million-dollar homes, plus fighting the legal battles which had come to about another $130,000. They take us on a tour of the creepy mansion as we see that the people that lived their before were reduced to living amongst cockroaches and sleeping on urine-soaked blowup mattresses. There was even a really creepy doll in the house. (You should take note that the movie "Child’s Play has ruined dolls of all kinds for me. Probably forever.) 

We also get an update on Lisa and Lenny’s maid, Daysy, who, along with Lea’s maid Frieda, has one of the best jobs in Miami. Seriously, check this out: We all know that Frieda basically calls the shots of the Black household. Well, as it turns out, the Hochsteins promised Daysy last season that if she worked hard enough to lose a certain amount of weight, Lenny would give her an entire body makeover including liposuction and a tummy tuck. Daysy looks amazing and apparently while she was out on bed-rest she was growing an empire of maids. Now, she has an army of cleaners to work for her and she gets to lay low for now. Seriously, sign me up for something like this.

Alexia’s storyline was mild this week. She went running with Marysol and chatted about how Elsa was doing in recovery. Alexia related to Marysol through her own anecdotes of what she went through with her son, Frankie, and his 2011 car accident and offered support to her friend. Later in the episode we see that she’s hired a designer to redo her closet into a boutique because she’s ready to do something for herself. You go, girl. I’m glad that she seems to be gaining control back in her life. I’m a believer that your personal space is a representation of who you are in that moment and her “boutique” was flawless when the designer was done.

Back to the meat and potatoes of the episode, where it seemed we were leading up to this epic showdown between two former friends. What we know now is that Adriana was legally married to her love, Frederic, in December 2008. Lea has let us know (too many times to count) that she was there for her friend when she thought her friend needed her. We learn a little bit more about the situation tonight as Lea bluntly states that Adriana’s son was about $350,000 behind in tuition. Ummmm, $350,000 for tuition and it’s not even high school? You’ve gotta be kidding me. She reminds Adriana that she was there for her and would do it again in a heartbeat but she has felt betrayed by the lie that Adriana has carried with her for all these years. After all, Lea was supposed to be the maid of honor. 

Adriana does a lot of ungrateful scoffing and rolling of her eyes. She tells Lea that she isn’t married, even though we all know she legally is, and basically looks like she wishes she could take the money that Lea gave her and shove it where the sun doesn't shine. The weather outside looks to be like one of the worst storms in history (of course it is) and the the whole argument climaxes with Adriana shouting to Lea, “I thought I had a sister in you, but in the end, all I had was a wicked sister. You were planning my demise all along.” Ouch. 

While I’m still not sure which team I’m claiming yet, I will say this: The way Lisa handled that sledgehammer in eight-inch Louboutins in the Star Island house, I kinda just want to give all my attention to her. Everyone else seems pretty ridiculous at this point.

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