'The Bachelorette' recap, finale part 1

  • Desiree and Brooks, in (sort of) happier times.
Desiree and Brooks, in (sort of) happier times. (Angus Muir / ABC )
July 30, 2013|By Denise Weiss

Welcome to part one of the shocking two-part season finale of "The Bachelorette," which, of course, Chris Harrison calls the "television event of the summer."

It better be good because most of the show’s viewers would rather have root canal than sit through another boring week with Des, Brooks, Chris and Drew. Sorry rose lovers, but you better bring on the novocaine because there is still one week to go before we find out if Des lives happily ever after or if she pulls a Mr. Chow and tells them all “so long gay boys.”

It seems like years ago that drunk Jonathan tried to persuade Des into the fantasy suite straight out of the limo on night one. Since the beginning, there have been speculations that a significant number of the eligible bachelors are not here for the “right reasons” because they are in fact gay.

For a season full of men, there have been lots of tears, emotions, cat fights and PMS.  As we walk down memory lane, we visit the ghosts of Des’ rejects; Diogo’s failed suit of armor, sexy Juan Pablo, Brian’s crazy girlfriend, lots of men with emotional issues and a federal prosecutor who has his mom on speed dial. Yet here we are, 10 weeks later, and Brooks, Chris and Drew are the last men standing.

Drew
Des arrives in Antigua for her first overnight date with Drew. She describes him as “so passionate and so romantic.” The rest of us describe him as “so gay.”  She further says that with Drew “I see happiness, a future.”  I see Drew coming out of the closet.

For their date, Des and Drew rent a jeep and explore the island of Antigua. My husband and I had a very similar date years ago when we went to Antigua, except my husband was heterosexual. He still is. It’s the glue that keeps our marriage together.

After Jeep Tour 2013, Drew and Des take selfies, buy unnecessary crap at a local street festival, shake maracas and do the limbo. They picnic, eat pineapple, talk about family and make out. 

Later that night it rains, and the “dinner on the beach” date is conveniently relocated to the fantasy suite. Drew is ecstatic that he can hold Des in his arms and wish her good morning since he has only had good nights. Things a straight man says never.

Drew admits he has had crazy, intimate, passionate feelings for what seems like forever and is ready to get down on one knee. He falls more and more in love with Des every day and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Drew leads Des to the bedroom and upon seeing rose petals on the bed and champagne in the ice bucket, tells Des that he loves her. They kiss some more and after enduring lots of slurping and sucking and other noises that no one needs to hear, Drew throws out the camera crew, shuts the lights and works on his horizontal limbo.

Meanwhile, back in Idaho (I thought Brooks lived in Salt Lake City?), Brooks has a heart to heart with him mom and his sister about his feelings, or should I say non feelings, for Des. It seems that the idea of proposing to Des makes Brooks uncomfortable and although he WANTS to be in love with Des, he can’t get himself to FEEL love. I’m guessing that Brooks’ inability to feel love for Des stems from the fact that he is a normal human being who has known her for a mere 9 weeks and probably DOESN’T love her. Or maybe he loves Drew. Either way, here is some free advice Brooks - if you need to confer with mommy about whether or not you should get engaged, you are not ready to get engaged. Brooks, his mom and his sister all agree that the right thing to do is to fly to Antigua and dump her on national television. I guess they never heard of Skype.

Chris
Back in Antigua, Chris and Des start their date when he finds her walking on a random dirt road. She is wearing pants, a bikini top and a fringe vest and looks like she just finished her shift serving beer and fish & chips at a local haunt. They board a helicopter and fly over the island. Chris comments on the various hues of blue in the Caribbean Sea as they fly over. Yawn.

They land on the island of Barbuda for a picnic, some fun in the sun, and more boring conversation. They draw hearts in the sand and Des tries to convince us (and herself) that they have a spark and a connection. They roll around in the sand, frolic in the water and engage in the obligatory “From Here to Eternity” kiss. Based upon the size of the waves, I bet they have sand in every crevice.  

Later that night, Chris and Des dine amongst the loudest tree frogs in the caribbean. Chris asks her if she will move to Seattle and she looks horrified as she tells him that she likes living in California. Eventually, she agrees that she will move to Seattle. She probably would have agreed to move to a turkish prison to get away from the loud croaking of the tree frogs.   

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