'The Bachelorette' recap, Soccer in Spain -- Acepta esta rosa

  • Desiree invites six of the men to the beautiful RCD Espanyol futbol stadium to practice Europe's number one sport, soccer.
Desiree invites six of the men to the beautiful RCD Espanyol… (Nick Ray / ABC )
July 02, 2013|By Denise Weiss

Welcome to week six of what has been the most boring season of "The Bachelorette" ever. If Des were smart she would demand 25 new guys and a do-over.

Des and her merry band of metrosexuals are off to Barcelona, Spain, which according to Des is the perfect place to fall in love -- so were Munich and Atlantic City, but we all know how those cities worked out in the love department.

The guys sit semi-circle and drink beer while they wait for Chris Harrison to arrive. Brooks looks like something out of the Crayola fall collection in burnt orange pants and a cranberry hoodie. Michael reminds us that Kasey and Drew overheard James and Mikey T. having a private conversation last week during which James said that if he makes it to the top 4, he will have a good shot at being the next Bachelor.

The guys are infuriated by James' statement and are going to out him first chance they get. Chris finally arrives and tells the guys that there will be one group and two one-on-one dates, with roses up for grabs on each. Duh. Oh, and there will be no cocktail party which means they shouldn't wait until the last minute to make out with Des.

Drew's One-On-One

Drew gets the first one-on-one and is all smiles as he reads the date card: "Let's build a foundation for love" which means "we have nothing at all planned and are going to walk around Barcelona."

Drew doesn't waste any time and starts the date with a kiss. Drew and Des admire the beauty of the architecture, drink hot chocolate and drink from a random spigot in the middle of the street.

Every suitor on "The Bachelorette" has a sob story, and Drew is no exception. He tells Des that his father is his hero, despite being a recovering alcoholic who can't park a car while drunk. To make matters worse, his dad also has cancer, but no one knows so shhhhh, don't tell. Des feels close to Drew after his admission, probably because he is pretty much sitting in her lap.

The date continues later that night with a romantic dinner for two. Drew is overcome with emotion and drags Des into an alley for some "private" time -- as private as you can get with an entire camera crew and lighting department chasing after you.

After a pretty intense make out session complete with tongue shots and groping, Drew gets the rose.  Shortly thereafter, he gets diarrhea of the mouth and tells Des about the conversation between James and Mikey T. All Des can say is "WOW," "Thank You" and a string of bleeped out expletives. All I can say is Drew is a snitch who waited until he got the rose to rat on James. Well played, Drew.

Group date

The group date card arrives and Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James and Juan Pablo will be playing soccer for "Loooooooove." That means that Zak W. will get the last one on one date. Juan Pablo is disappointed that he didn't get the one-on-one date. I can't really say why he was disappointed because other than something about having a daughter, I don't understand a word Juan Pablo says.

Drew tells Kasey and Michael that he ratted out James during his date with Des, and Kasey is going to seal the deal on the group date. Michael is wearing his lucky dodgeball headband and looks more feminine than ever. 

The guys arrive at the soccer stadium and Des informs them that they will be playing against her and her "team," which consists of professional women soccer players who are more masculine than they are.

After the worst 10 minutes of soccer every played, the women win 10-2. Not only is James not there for the right reasons, he is the worst goalie ever. The good news for the guys is that Brooks' hair stayed perfectly coiffed the entire game.

Later that night, the guys head to a cave and take turns making out with Des. Chris is up first, and lucky for us, Des wrote him a poem because no date with Chris would be complete without a poem.  According to Chris, the "Chris and Des love scale is rapidly rising." I don't even know what that means.

Brooks gets sloppy seconds and spends 6 minutes making out with Des on a couch somewhere in the cave.

Meanwhile, the gossip police aka Kasey and Michael have decided to confront James about the conversation they overheard while they pretended to be asleep. Specifically, in addition to bragging about being the next Bachelor, James allegedly told Mikey T. that he knows lots of tall, rich girls that he can invite to hang out on his boat.

If James was smart, at that moment he would have invited the gossip police on the boat trip with him, Mikey T. and the rich ladies of Chicago. Instead, he looks guilty and goes all Jersey Shore Ronnie on them, shaking his fists in the air and yelling "f*** you, f*** you, f***you." Kasey has a lot of nerve confronting anyone about anything while wearing Mr. Rogers' sweater.

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