'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' recap, 'Brandi's kind of ready for war...'

March 19, 2013|Lauren McEwen, For The Baltimore Sun

Lisa and Ken's housewarming/vow renewal ceremony (is that what you call that?) is today! Lisa's a wreck, though, because she's too shy to proclaim her love in front of the world. Better get it together, because Ken is excited.

Adrienne is throwing a party of her own, launching a new vodka line called "Zing," primarily their red velvet-flavored version.

This looks like a Wonderland nightmare – complete with half-naked people pretending to be statues…until they start gyrating. There are hands poking out of the heart-shaped rosebushes, passing out shots. Basically…it’s really scary. I don't even think I did that description justice.

Lisa and Brandi are skipping the party – well, Brandi wasn't invited – for massages at Lisa's and really, who can blame them? Adrienne is what I like to call "the woooorrrssstttt" *in my Jean-Ralphio voice*

Wait, what? Adrienne didn't fire her chef, Bernie, after he sold stories about Lisa, Brandi, etc. to the press? That’s some next-level inconsideration right there. Brandi and Lisa are right, Adrienne and Paul legit seem to hate each other right now. Watching her practically throw those plates at him, in front of a room full of uncomfortable onlookers, was painful. And the worst part? You already know from the previews that it's gonna get a whole lot worse.

Brandi's busy sexually harassing Giggy, when Lisa and Ken's friend Martin sneaks up on them, posing as Brandi's masseuse. But it doesn't end there. Inspired by Martin's creepiness, Ken then climbs atop Lisa and begins jokingly thrusting. Y’all.

Adrienne's party is in full swing, and Paul is somewhere in the house getting a last-minute spray tan. It looks incredibly uncomfortable and by the end of it, Paul looks like a giant piece of beef jerky.

Back at the party, the Housewives in attendance gather around Messy Marisa, who has some news about Brandi. Apparently, Brandi sent Marisa a text that read, "I think I know what will save your marriage," and Marisa is pissed. Camille and Adrienne immediately start saying Marisa has a great marriage, but Kyle and Yolanda look uncomfortable.

Brandi's sage advice? Give each other a "hall pass," a.k.a. permission to cheat, one-time-only. We know that's stupid. Owen Wilson and Jason Sudeikis proved it.

For her part, Marisa is offended. She's perfectly happy and Dean wants to have sex every night. T.M.freaking.I.

We've all seen Marisa disrespect Dean, and even though they may love each other, and even though Brandi may be out of line, let’s not pretend that they seem to be all sunshine and rainbows. It doesn't matter if you've been together 16 years or 16 months. If you're constantly complaining – in front of your husband, no less – that you want something new? Shoot. My BOYFRIEND wouldn't take that.

Then talk turns toward criticizing Brandi for having threesomes during her marriage. Kyle doesn't like the idea of extramarital sex, at all, but isn't disparaging Brandi. We've got Adrienne and Faye for that.

That's when things get awesome. Yolanda literally smushes Marisa's face in her hands and tells her that she should be having this conversation with Brandi, not them. It goes in one ear and out the other, when Marisa tells them that Dean thinks Brandi has a crush on him. Girl.

Kyle's right, Brandi jokingly flirts with everyone, and after what happened between her and Eddie, Kyle and Yolanda don’t think Brandi would ever think of sleeping with a married man.

Of course, this is when Faye starts rolling her eyes and bringing up something "that happened in the bathroom at the white party." GO HOME, FAYE! They claim that someone found Brandi in one of Kyle’s kids' bathrooms, half-naked with some man or another.

Yolanda awesomely tells them she doesn't like the speculation and gossip. They didn't see it with their own eyes, and they shouldn't throw her under the bus. Adrienne then claims that Brandi said something nasty about Yolanda as well, but when Yolanda presses her for details, she comes up dry. Because she was lying, obviously.

Kyle and Yolanda walk off, leaving the rest of the crew to bring up the rest of Brandi's gossip from episodes ago, stumbling over each other to tell Adrienne just how loyal they were to her. We all know Brandi was wrong, but this is actually disgusting.

Paul's been missing for the entire party…until he shows up in a tree with some of Adrienne's other painted people. In her confessional, she essentially calls Paul a pathetic, attention-hungry, thirst bucket, which says way more about the state of their marriage than any of Brandi's bleeped out gossip ever could.

After the commercial break, Lisa informs us that Adrienne and Paul announced their separation online. I hate them both, but being right about that sucks. She's got a party to finish preparing, but she can't help feeling bad for her former friend.

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