'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' recap, Passive aggressive in Paris

March 05, 2013|By Lauren McEwen

We're still in Paris, where Yolanda and Brandi are running through the streets backed by what sounds like Parisian dubstep.

Brandi's on a mission to look as good as Yolanda does when she's her age, to which I say, "Yesssss, ma'mm!" Both of them spent their modeling years in Paris, and it's cute to hear them reminisce. Especially Yolanda, who was "milking cows and riding horses" a week before she first walked on the catwalk.

Gag, Mauricio and Kyle are having a romantic walk down what Mauricio claims is "lover's bridge," and as you all well know, I'm not a fan of either of them, so this is making me ill.

There's some superstition about writing your names on a lock and key and chaining the lock to the bridge, and throwing the key in the river so you can be together forever. Also, I have a really sensitive gag reflex.

Kim, Lisa and Ken are out and about, as well. Kim claims she really enjoys Lisa's company and is glad they finally are spending some real time together, but she still seems really loopy, and Lisa is kind of speaking to her like she's wearing a straightjacket.

She does still seem to be rambling, but that could just be because this is the most awkward RHOBH outing ever. It's like being third wheel on your grandparents date, but not grandparents you know well. The bougie side of the family that always makes you feel awkward and uncouth.

Kyle's name comes up, and Lisa and Kim begin venting their various frustrations about Kim's baby sis. Lisa can hold a grudge.

Later, Yolanda, Lisa and Ken discuss their worries that Kim's hooked on her prescription drugs. So ... not only was that nose job a waste of money, but it may have derailed her sobriety? Awesome.

The ladies head to their cooking class, and of course, Kim is nowhere to be found. Instantly, the women go into panic mode, and Kyle and Yolanda rush to her room to bang down her door, with memories of that ruined Hawaii trip from a season past floating in their heads.

Kim isn't dressed, but she's not high -- just sleepy. Sighs of relief, all around.

But then, Kim takes so long to come down, that the ladies have time for an anxious montage. In reality, that could've taken 10 minutes, but Bravo's milking it. When she does make it, Lisa immediately shoves her foot in her mouth, asking Kim if she took a sleeping pill. Girl, noooooooo.

Kim's getting defensive, which, well, my mama always says, "A hit dog will holler." When she's alone with Kyle, Kim starts to cry. She appreciates concern, but felt Lisa was making "snide jokes" about her sleeping in all day, wasted.

Was Lisa being mean? I think she made the poor decision of trying to make light of the situation, but I don't think she was being intentionally cruel. Kim worked very hard to get sober, and I'm glad Brandi pulled Lisa back when she tried to go to the car and get Kim and Kyle.

Eventually, Lisa goes to the car, anyway, and the sisters shut her down. Kim wants to talk to Kyle, and Kim wants her intimate moment respected. Brandi is being very considerate of the whole situation, and it's very sweet. I do want Kim to discuss this with Lisa later, because resentment like that can only fester and grow into a beef large enough to ruin a future dinner party.

Finally, cooking class starts, and Lisa freaks at the idea of chopping off the head of a "furry quack-quack." (LMBO) Yolanda is from Holland, so she's essentially 'bout that life. But she gets that these lily-livered, Beverly Hills girls are queasy, and they let the teachers do it, while they dry heave outside.

They're making duck, glazed turnips and cherry sauce, which sounds nice, but I'm kind of blown at this distinctly American accent on their teacher. If I take a cooking class in France I want a French teacher. Not some dude from Iowa, or wherever, who went to culinary school in Paris.

Lisa sneaks over to check in with Kyle about Kim. Kyle explains that Kim thought Lisa was insinuating that Kim was in her room, downing a bottle of Jack. Lisa poo-poos that, but she seems to understand what Kyle's saying.

Kim notices them talking, and assumes Lisa is stirring the pot, when really Lisa seems to feel guilty that she hurt Kim's feelings. They have to discuss this soon because Kim is ready to put Nair in Lisa's conditioner.

The guys are headed over to the cooking class to eat the ladies' cooking, and it's the most awkward ride. Remember that fight Mauricio and Ken had at the height of the Adrienne/Brandi drama? They never settled it, and they can try this whole "men don't hold grudges" bull, but that laughter sounds so fake.

The rest of the cooking class seems to go without a hitch. The men show up to reap the benefits of the women's hard work, and Giggy is still drinking hard liquor. I'm surprised PETA isn't at the Vanderpumps doorstep, as we speak.

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