I expect any moment to get a call from my parents needing an explanation about Gangnam style. Which will be easy enough, as it's a meme I've managed to avoid almost entirely.
So, they're all in brightly colored suits, with each couple matching one another. And sunglasses. Oh, and all the women have on black short bobbed wigs.
It starts with them marching out and doing some standard twirl, present, repeat moves. Although at one point, all the women bend over and poor Kirstie is in front and I'm fairly sure she wouldn't have chosen to have her backside on display in unflattering hot pink trousers.
The first solo is Kirstie and Maks and they rip off their suits, for reasons I don't understand, so that Maks is wearing a mesh cutoff shirt, little green shorts, and striped tube socks. And Kirstie is in a tank top and leggings that are also not the most flattering thing she could be asked to wear. Her shirt says Gangnam, and when she turns around we see "Style" on her backside. They do a couple of awkward cartwheel turns and then shake their booties and then get down on all fours and I swear this sounds like I'm on drugs but I'm not.
Emmitt and Cheryl rip off their suits to reveal Emmitt in an undershirt and yellow shorts and knee pads. While Cheryl is in a blue slip/dress. They do that weird side-to-side gallop that's part of Gangnam, then Emmitt gets down on all fours and Cheryl does the cowboy moves above him, and then they both get up and Emmitt slides across the floor Hammer-style.
Then when he and Cheryl meet up again, she jumps up and wraps her legs around his waist and it's more cowboy kind of moves. This just makes no sense and it's awful and fantastic at the same time.
Val rips off his suit, so that he's shirtless and Kelly's wearing sequined hot pants. Then Kelly pretends to smack Val's tush. And then there's lots of spinning. Lots of spinning. More spinning. And then Kelly's in Val's arms and spinning. More spinning. And pose, and done.
And finally, Peta and Gilles rip off their suits, to reveal only towels. That's right, Peta has three towels, one on her head, turban-style, one around her breasts and one around her waist. Gilles, thankfully, only has the one. And it is small. I love being pandered to like this.
Although, Gilles is still wearing the black dance shoes with his tiny towel, which is completely unsexy. At one point, Peta does a handstand in front of Gilles and he splits her legs apart, then looks down and back up with an "O" of shock on his face. I swear this really happened. And then there's more Gangnam style moves.
Then all four couples are back on stage to do the weird Gangnam things. There's lots of hip thrusting and they've wisely put Gilles and Tiny Towel in the front. And then for some reason, garbage is blown at them all over the stage -- like cardboard and packing peanuts and stuff. And then there's more thrusting and bouncing and then they all collapse on the floor. At which point, Tiny Towel becomes my new hero by slipping open. But Tiny Towel is thwarted by the evil villain Modesty Shorts. I shake my tiny fist of anger at Modesty Shorts.
That was completely insane. I've watched it twice and I still can't believe it really happened.
I just watched it a third time. It still happened.
Tom says it was the most fun he's had in 15 years. Len says that was the craziest number he's ever seen. And he says this while holding a can of silly string in each hand. LEN! Ddouble fisting silly string! I told you we've all gone crazy.
Len says it wasn't tight, it wasn't together, but it was fun. And then he shoots silly string at the dancers because the world has gone mad.
Bruno asks Gilles for Tiny Towel (he doesn't call it that; it's my own special name). And Gilles takes it off and gives it to him. Meaning Tiny Towel is out of the way to make room for the new hero Modesty Shorts. Because they're not so modest after all.
I rechristen them Tiny Shorts. (I am told this is similar to when The White Queen became Emma Frost in the X-Men.) And I yelp so loudly in joy that all the cats ran and hid under something. Now they need drugs.
Carrie calls it a "hot mess" and then "crazy fun insanity." As the dancers are walking up to Brooke, Maks throws his mesh shirt into the crowd. Gilles is hiding behind the other dancers because Tiny Shorts are shy.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 9; Len: 9; Bruno: 9
That's fair. For as much fun as it was, this is still technically a dancing competition and that deserved to be scored lower than the cheer number we saw last night.
There's no elimination tonight. So these two scores will be added to next week's scores to determine which couple is eliminated next week.
As they stand around for the end of the show, someone's given Gilles a robe. The Silken Robe is our new villain. Team Tiny Shorts.
Scoreboard for this week:
Tiny Shorts: 99.5
Sabrina & Louis 58.5
Melissa & Tony: 56.5
Shawn & Derek: 56.5
Gilles & Peta: 56.5
Tiny Towel: 56.5
Apolo & Kristina: 56.5
Emmitt & Cheryl: 56
Kirstie & Maks: 52.5
Kelly & Val: 51.5
Silken Robe: -15