'Top Chef Masters' recap, episode 6, Thai One On

  • Dita Von Tease had the chefs make something sensual on last night's episode.
Dita Von Tease had the chefs make something sensual on last night's… (Bravo )
August 30, 2012|By Mary Alice Fallon Yeskey

Curtis introduces the Quickfire with the absolute worst two words any high schooler has ever used to start an essay: "Throughout history," (insert my inner English major gouging out her eyes here).

The challenge? Make a sexy dish using ingredients known for their aphrodisiac qualities. Guest judge is burlesque star Dita Von Teese. The chefs go gaga, even the ones that don't like girls. The six remaining chefs have 30 minutes to create something mouth watering and toe curling. 

Within seconds, there are two triumphant crashes as two blenders fall to the floor and shatter. Funny how they didn't flash the brand name of the busted blenders while they were being shattered.

Art Smith announces had a prophetic dream the night before that this Quickfire would be about chocolate so he is working on "floating islands" which are meringue blobs that look like "big breasts" as he describes them (clearly not a man who sees very many breasts) sitting atop chocolate syrup.

Lorena is very excited about this challenge and informs us the creaminess of avocados makes her feel sexy. And it's a healthy fat, to boot! Kerry is working with seared tuna and fennel salad in coy way.

Takashi pairs sea urchin and raw oysters and says that "sweet and slimy" is very sexy to him. Amen, brother. Chris is combining foie gras with figs and roses. Apparently California's foie gras ban has yet to spread to Nevada. Patricia is focusing on actually finishing the challenge, since she failed to plate last time. Time runs out, and Art literally tosses the last ingredients onto his plates, a la Ferris Bueller with the baseball and the stereo. 

Dita saunters in and Curtis can barely make eye contact. There's practically a mark in the floor from him circling his foot nervously. As she samples the dishes, we learn that Dita loves cilantro but isn't crazy about chocolate. She clearly loves Takashi's dish and describes it as cold, slippery, sexy and adventurous.

She likes the heat at the end of Patricia's dish and likens it to "a soft caress followed by a quick smack." Curtis' cheeks flush a deeper crimson. Dita loves Kerry's dish for its lightness as she doesn't like to eat anything too heavy before going to, um, work. 

Dita comes back to meet the chefs and announce the winner. Takashi takes the prize with his oyster dish, which Dita says "felt really good going down my throat." Takashi has now made 20K for the American Red Cross and is clearly a force to be reckoned with. 

For the elimination challenge, the chefs will be visiting Chef Saipin Chutima's Lotus of Siam and testing their skill at Thai cuisine. Everyone looks excited, save Kerry and Lorena. Patricia fesses up that she lived in Thailand for two years. Ringer! The challenge is to create a Thai restaurant in two days. Quote #1 of the ep, Art's reaction to this news: "God, two days. Lord God Mother Joseph Jesus. And Buddha."

The chefs arrive at Lotus of Siam, which despite being a legendary Thai restaurant, looks for all the world like it's sandwiched in a strip mall. I am half expecting a TBCY to be next door. But let us not judge books by their covers or restaurants by their locales. As Chef Chutima brings out the dishes Lorena is clearly taking notes, asking questions about the seasoning and noting the flavors. Smart chica. 

Impressed and sated, the gang heads into Whole Foods and Ranch 99 for shopping and prep. Each chef must make one dish but they also need to divvy up all the other restaurant duties of serving, hosting, and prepping.

It's kind of like "Restaurant Wars" on regular style Top Chef but with one team. Needless to say, you know this is gonna get ugly. Kerry and Chris, in separate stores, bark at each other on production-provided cell phones (you can clearly see the label maker labels numbering each one). No duck. No raw peanuts. No kaffir leaves. What are we, savages? 

Back in the kitchen, Patricia takes over doling out responsibilities. She indicates that she doesn't see Art or Lorena as being "chefs who are in kitchens" and what's more points out that Chris, Takashi and herself are "very much hands-on." Mee-OW! She declares Lorena and Art front of house. Egos are clearly bruised, but the gang moves on. 

We see Chris chopping small, hot chilis with no gloves and it practically makes my eyes water just watching him. Patricia complains to Lorena that she's taking up six of the twelve burners on the stove. The music crescendos. Wait for it!

Lorena asks where she should put them. Claws come out. "You're not my boss!" Art steps in to try to calm Lorena down. Lorena explains in her interview that she was offended "in the highest extreme" and that she needed to put Patricia "in her place." Chris tries to get a group high five going. It falls flat. 

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