Tamra on "Real Housewives of Orange County." (Richard May/Bravo )
Last we saw the ladies, they were in Costarexico (according to Alexis's GPS) and they were hunting the White Elephant (also known as Alexis's penchant for being pretentious and phony).
Picture if you will, a table of 5 women with fake boobs, fake butts, fake lips, fake lashes, fake tans, fake nails and fake hair attacking one of their own for being
fake. Though this all takes place in the heart of the jungle, the ladies ignore the cardinal rule in the animal kingdom -- never turn on your own species.
During this so-called intervention, the ladies do some kind of twisted Freaky Friday and switch personalities. The normally tongue-tied Alexis holds her own and rather eloquently calls Tamra out on accusing her of being materialistic when she herself brought a Louis Vuitton bag to the jungle.
Usually Gretchen is level-headed, fair and loyal. Tonight, Gretchen not only throws Alexis under the bus, she drives the bus over her and then throws it into reverse for good measure. And once Alexis is sufficiently beat up, Gretchen follows Alexis to her room to comfort her. Here we see that while Tamra has been drinking haterade,
Gretchen has been sipping Vicki juice. In an attempt to comfort Alexis, Gretchen makes it all about her by repeatedly telling Alexis, "This is too hard on me!" Thankfully Alexis is not moved by this.
Once back at the table, Gretchen remembers that her actions are being filmed and recorded and manufactures tears so that when Alexis watches the season and sees what was said "behind her back," she will think Gretchen actually felt bad about betraying her.
In another odd twist, Vicki not only defends Alexis, she goes to comfort her, and comes up with some lucid observations. Vicki says what all of us viewers are thinking -- they are all phony and materialistic on some level so why are they attacking each other?
The next day, Alexis heads home to the O.C. and the ladies decide to let the good times roll. To Tamra this means pantsing Gretchen, grabbing Heather's boobs, and threatening to tear Vicki's sarong off.
I know this is a television show, but this is also employment for the ladies -- someone should be suing Tamra for sexual harassment. Hey Gretch and Vicki -- you didn't hear this from me, but that could be an easy way to catch up on Slade and Brooks' child support payments.
Tamra's odd and inappropriate advances are clearly traumatizing to Vicki, as evidenced by the fact that she immediately loses her mind. When the ladies go to plant trees in the forest, Vicki asks the guide for the tree that is "prettiest, most abundant, and with the heartiest soul." Ummm, okay.
We can forgive that when she kindly offers to plant a tree for Alexis, but wait, save your applause -- Vicki's crazy is showing again. She goes from zero to tears in two seconds and starts crying because they are all going to die one day. And we're back to um, okay.
Vicki sops up her tears and the ladies are off to the river for some whitewater rafting. It's funny -- even with Alexis gone, someone still manages to fill the requisite role of "Look at me! Don't you think I'm cute when I'm freaking out about how scared I am?"
Heather and Vicki both vie for the role, causing pots and kettles everywhere to hug each other and point toward Orange County in ridicule. Once Team O.C. finally boards the raft (after it is brought closer to shore because Tamra can't get her shoes wet), the adventure begins. Watching the ladies careen out of control is actually very entertaining and oddly fulfilling. And no, that irony is not lost on me.
Next week, Vicki makes Brooks into a new man, Eddie takes Tamra to Tahiti, and Gretchen rakes Slade over the coals. Which relationship are you betting on? Or betting against? Let me know in the comments below and be sure to follow me on Twitter @MutesVoice.