Derek Hough and Maria Menounos, shown here from last week's… (Adam Taylor, ABC )
It's classical night, which means a whole lot of songs I'll recognize but not know the name of. Oh, look, it's an exaggeratedly expressive violinist and some chicks in Marie Antoinette garb. Never change, DWTS, never change. DUDES IN BREECHES AND NECKCLOTHS! Excuse me while I make up historical romance novel cover scenarios for each of these couples. Ooh, that was Joshua Bell? If you've never read Gene Weingarten's excellent Pulitzer-prize winning essay "The Fiddler in the Subway" go do so now, and come back to this recap when you're finished.
Ooh, Maria's dress looks like something out of Flash Gordon - and I totally mean that as a compliment. Kym Johnson has a frickin' parasol. These costumes are even weirder than usual — I think Katherine and Mark are doing some sort of Greek/Roman mythology theme.
Katherine Jenkins & Mark Ballas
Katherine and Mark are doing the rumba to Pachelbel's "Canon in D Major" (aka that song you always hear at weddings). Mark says you can't spell "classical" with "ass." True, and yet still a little tacky to point out. Ha! - Tom says they're dressed for "Game of Thrones: The Musical" - not entirely accurate but still amusing. Oh, wow - we get a full look at Mark's tattoos, since he's completely shirtless. Feels a bit incongruous with the music, but what're ya gonna do? Katherine does make some of the most beautiful lines in pose, doesn't she? This song just feels SO WRONG to have sexysexy rumba moves happening with it. WHOA - Katherine just did the most beautiful balance/stretch move - totally impressive. Len says it was a "classic rumba" and says he knows Mark would've liked to go down the "raunchy" route but kept it elegant. He praises Katherine for her ability to stay on time, without any discernible rhythm to the music. Bruno calls Katherine the "unattainable object of desire... merely toying with [her] subjects." He added that some of her figures could've been lifted from a museum. And he adds he would've liked it raunchier, but that technically it was excellent. Carrie Ann says that her passion didn't feel genuine, but adds that the music "is what it is" - I think she agrees with me that Pachelbel is not sexy music.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 9 Len: 9 Bruno: 9
Melissa Gilbert & Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Tom introduces these two as "Melissa Gilbert & her injured partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy." Oooh - that does not bode well. Melissa explains that after last Monday's show, Maks's ankle started really hurting. Turns out he has a cyst, and that he's gonna pull Val in as his understudy of sorts, but they'll still be doing Maks's choreography for the Argentine tango. Wow, Maks may be injured but that doesn't prevent him from holding Melissa above his head in a crazy lift. Melissa still looks so awkward to me, especially as she goes into one of their final lifts - felt a little bit like we were seeing too much of her little house, wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Thanks, Tom, for letting me know that was "The Marriage of Figaro." Bruno says her effort was impressive but that it got messy and the lifts weren't clean. Carrie Ann says it was like "Cirque du Soleil went terribly wrong." She didn't want the "lift-fest." Melissa says, with some prompting from Tom, that it felt different than what the judges saw. Len thinks the lifts went with the crescendos in the music. He says it was "full-on but lacked a little bit of dance quality."
Scores: Carrie Ann: 7 Len: 7 Bruno: 7
When asked what he thinks of the scores, Maks says, "I don't think; I just dance." Sounds like someone learned his lesson from the PR debacle of last year. Melissa mentions that she just performed in front of the doctor that operated on her spine.