I had this trouble with "Glee" over the break, where I couldn’t seem to contain within my brain that Quinn got T-boned and Rachel almost got married at the same time, and thus kept forgetting one or the other. So I was extra confused when Quinn showed up all blonde and perky and wheelchair-bound. And it was only partly because that’s NOT how spinal injuries work. Which … have you ever had that troubling thing happen where your real life interferes with guilty pleasure TV life? I have that a lot with medical dramas where I’m all, “For love of all that is holy, why is your long, flowing hair LOOSE while you are doing SURGERY? There are open body cavities!”
I wasn’t expecting to get my medical panties in a bunch when I volunteered to stand in for your regularly scheduled recapper, "Glee," but fine, whatever you want. Sure, after horrific car crashes, cheerleaders bounce right back. Doing wheelchair cartwheels. On figure skates. And juggling fire. Obviously!
Artie’s all on board so I must be wrong in my cynicism. He teaches Quinn all his best tricks and it’s cute but I also have the feeling that this is either going to end in yet another Artie heartbreak or another after-school special about facing disability. Or both at once which is too awful to contemplate so let’s pretend I didn’t bring it up, shall we? For her part, Quinn is totally glowing and golden and anti-texting and Zen about the whole temporary paralysis bit which (awesomely) nearly makes Rachel’s head explode in addition to prompting lots of tearful hugging.
Also happening: Puck is trying to convince Finn to convince Rachel to ditch New York for L.A. because of something about the merits of Finn’s brain and Puck’s jaw line and while you might actually be able to launch a business on the merits of the latter, I’d be surprised if the former is even capable of spelling L.A. Sue has discovered A) her baby is a girl, B) her amniocentesis was abnormal C) her baby is going to need some influence from actual decent human beings if it is going to have a shot at being kind and good. So she decides to take over Booty Camp so her possibly genetically exceptional fetus can absorb the sweetness and light of the New Directions by osmosis.
The main event though, is Blaine’s brother, Cooper. Who knows he’s the main event, which is the problem. Also a problem: the way he gets on Blaine’s case about how to be a better singer and dancer right in front of all Blaine’s friends. To make things worse, Cooper is famous (of course) and foxy (hello Matt Bomer!) and the entire McKinley student body pretty much wants to marry him and be him when they grow up. Which is kind of how I expected to be feeling about Cooper but the fact that his ego probably ate Jesse St. James’ ego for breakfast sent my Glee Guest Star Crush packing before she even had time to get the tiniest bit tipsy on pheromones.
So basically everyone freaks the hell out. Blaine yells at Cooper, Rachel and Finn yell at each other, and Sue … joins the Glee club? Sort of? It’s all sort of tense but, you know, but not very surprising or thrilling or … oh, hello! Did Darren Criss and Matt Bomer just work out their tragically fraught brotherly love via the medium of pop song? OK, forget about all those hundreds of mean words above. This episode is love.