Ten things that should happen on 'The Walking Dead'...

...but probably won't

  • Rick Grimes (Andrew Lincoln)
Rick Grimes (Andrew Lincoln) (Photo Credit: Gene Page/AMC )
February 09, 2012|By Andrew Conrad, aconrad@tribune.com

"The Walking Dead,"AMC's epic, buzzy zombie apocalypse drama, returns from its midseason hibernation this Sunday at 9 p.m. with the first of six episodes closing out the second season.

The midseason finale, which aired on Nov. 27, saw a zombified Sophia emerge from the barn — Hershel Greene's holding pen for reanimated family members and friends — and take a bullet in the head from Rick Grimes' revolver.

Key storylines heading down the stretch run of Season 2 include the volatile love triangle between Rick, Lori and Shane; Hershel's territorial protection of his farm and the whereabouts of self-amputee and great American badass Merle Dixon.

I hope everyone had a nice 10-week break. I spent the time off returning sweaters, playing broomball, refereeing broomball, jogging sporadically and eating fast food. I also watched "Twin Peaks" a lot, went on a road trip to Providence, RI, for New Years, and ran face first into a fence while trying to catch a football. Finally, I was entertained live locally by the Nuclear Cowboyz, Baltimore Blast and Ring of Honor wrestling.

But enough about me, let's get onto the ten things that should happen in the second half of "The Walking Dead" Season 2, but probably won't happen!

1. Some silly new characters

"Seinfeld" had Kramer, "Lost" had Hurley, and Perfect Strangers had Balki.

On "The Walking Dead," we're stuck with Glenn (chuckle) and maybe T-Dog (snicker) for the occasional comic relief.

In the second half of Season 2, I'd like the writers to introduce a more classic, vaudevillian funnyman. Maybe someone who suffers from a delightfully amusing mental disorder like Captain 'Howling Mad' Murdock from the "The A-Team" (played by Calvert Hall graduate Dwight Schultz nonetheless). Or maybe the band of survivors will welcome a failed stand-up comedian into their ranks. His puns and one-liners will be so bad that they'll be hilarious! I'd even settle for a sassy young — possibly gay — smart-aleck who often cracks wise, a la David Spade or Andy Dick, at the expense of others. Can you imagine the possibilities?

*Dale is being eaten by zombies*
Sass-master: "What a shame!"
Lori: "I know, he was such a good man!"
Sass-master: "Oh honey, I was talking about that unfortunate shirt! Where did he get that, Jimmy Buffett's yard sale?"
*Rim shot*

2. Celebrity cameos

Half the fun of "The Walking Dead" is that the actors are relative unknowns — save for Emma Bell from"Frozen" and "Final Destination 5," and who died in Season 1 — so you're like "Oh, this guy's not famous so he could be killed at any second, but then again, none of them are famous, so any of them could be killed at any second! MINDF---"

But wouldn't it be fun if like David Duchovny or Denise Richards or Cheech Marin or Tom Wopat or that guy Jonathan Pryce who was in the Infiniti commercials, or Debra Messing, showed up on the farm like "I'm lost, and scared. I can't believe I found this farm! Can I hang out and cool my heels for a minute? My dogs are barking!"

And the best part is that they're just doing a cameo, so they'd need to exit stage left by the end of the episode. That would mean that either they could mosey on down the path (maybe after doing something to outrage the other survivors?) or meet their death! Wouldn't it be fun to watch Betty White or Wayne Brady or Chris Elliott being devoured by z-boys?

3. A new background

Sorry, the farm is cool and all, but I think we're all ready for a change of scenery. How about like an old abandoned amusement park where they could explore the fun house and the tunnel of love, or a run-down shopping mall (#TeamDawnOfTheDead) or roller rink? Or what about if they holed up in an old sports arena, like the Baltimore Arena, or an undersea base, or ... a prison? I could go on and on, the possibilities are endless. Anything other than that darn farm!

4. Some of the survivors form a band

Not like a band of survivors, they already have that, but like a cool garage band to pass the time. I see Daryl on the axe, Shane as the angst-ridden lead singer, belting out Alice in Chains covers, Rick pounding the skins, not drawing too much attention to himself but keeping an airtight rhythm, and T-Dog on bass.

5. The survivors celebrate a holiday

Chrtistmas and Thanksgiving would be too cheesy, Halloween would be pointless, so how about April Fool's Day? Glenn could pour ketchup down his arm and run up to Maggie and be like "AAH-SAHH! I been bit!" and she's like "Nooo!!!" and he's like "Psyched your mind! You should have seen the look on your face, it was priceless!" That way he could also get her back for smashing that egg in his ball cap. Or on Memorial Day or Labor Day they could have a picnic, BBQing up some spam and playing a little tailgate toss. That might help them get their minds off of things.

6. One of the characters starts drinking, hard

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