Kardashian's wedding crasher is no surprise

November 02, 2011|Susan Reimer

It appears the National Basketball Association lock-out has claimed its first significant casualty: The fairy-tale marriage — and we mean that in every sense of the phrase — of reality TV star Kim Kardashian and New Jersey Nets power forward Kris Humphries.

If Kris had been playing ball instead of getting on Kim's nerves with his plans to "brand" himself with a publicist, a line of cologne, nightclub appearances for pay and, I don't know, a line of handbags, the marriage might have lasted longer than 72 days it took for her to tire of the unsophisticated hunk.

She's sad. He's shocked.

We can safely say that we are into the twilight zone of marital spin-doctoring when the producer of the reality TV show, which showcased the wedding prep and the ceremony over two nights and four hours in front of millions of viewers, announces on Twitter that the bride has filed papers for divorce.

And when the groom finds out about it on TMZ.com.

And when the bride's sisters and her mother prove that Twitter is the glue that holds this family together, tweeting their love and support to each other and their fans.

And when Kris Kardashian, takes to the talk shows to promote her new book and explain that her daughter's wedding wasn't a money grab or a publicity stunt.

And when fans of your clothing line – Dash Dolls, as they call themselves – place a call on Craigslist for a candlelight vigil at her retail store in New York City to show their support.

And when other Hollywood celebs dress up as you in your bridal gear for Halloween.

And when a New York Times economics writer takes the opportunity to explain that marriage does have economic benefits for both parties, but those benefits usually take more than a fiscal quarter to accrue. (Rumor has it that the pair made almost $18 million on their wedding, although mother-in-law Kris took pains to rebut that on the "Today Show.")

And when Jay Leno – of course Jay Leno – says he was actually on at 10 p.m. longer than this marriage lasted.

And when everybody wants to know whether this will hurt the Kardashian brand or whether it is more fuel for the Kardashian dysfunction-for-money machine, which brought in something like $65 million last year.

I saw this coming.

It was only a matter of time until Kris Humphries realized how he looked – like a big, dull lug trapped in a bag with angry cats.

And until Kim realized that she was never going make his rough edges as smooth as step-dad Bruce Jenner's cheekbones so that he would fit the Kardashian husband mold – an empty shell.

I don't want to go all Mean Girl here, but when you launch yourself with a homemade sex tape, as Kim did, sell your naked self to Playboy, allow your control-freak mother to pimp you out, and then try to redeem your belief in the power of love with a three-dress white wedding, you are bound to get chewed up in your own famous-for-being-famous business model.

It seems that happily ever after isn't a guarantee. Even for branded, hybrid person-characters in docusoaps and the products they endorse.


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