Jason Stackhouse: Caught in the middle of Jessica and Hoyt (HBO )
When in Louisiana, visit Bon Temps Cemetery: The fightingest -- and foggiest -- cemetery south of the Mason-Dixon Line!
I applaud the "True Blood" folks for having a major battle in the middle of the season. Usually, the Big Turning Point Fight Plot happens toward the end (think Rene or Maryann being a bull or Sookie going to fairyland). So this was a bit of a bold move.
Plus, I needed some sort of antidote for the lovey-dovey Sookie/Eric situation. Here's what went down.
TURF WAR!: Oh, snap! A witch-vamper showdown. The big Bill minions vs. Marntonia minions came after Marnie discovered only one vampire was killed from her spell. And that vampire was Beulah Carter, Maxine Fortenberry's neighbor/frenemy.
Obviously, not the most effective spell, Marntonia. So she's not happy when she watches Bill on TV covering up Beulah's death as a suicide (way to spin the issue, Bill! And nice tie!). Tara, now Marntonia's right-hand angry woman, seems at first shocked that the plan was not just to protect themselves from vampires, but to kill them.
I'm not sure what part of Marnie being possessed by an angry dead witch hellbent on revenge Tara didn't understand. But even when realizing the real plan, she's on board. "Snuff them out! Once and for all!" Marntonia yells. "Nothing would make me happier," Tara responds. Really? How about just going back to your hot cage-fighting girlfriend in New Orleans? That seems like it would make you happy.
Either way, Bill sets up a midnight meeting with Marnie in Bon Temps Cemetery, promising that they just need to talk things out and apologizes for all the wrong his kind did to her centuries ago.
Later, Eric and Sookie show up at Bill's headquarters to offer their assistance in the Marntonia war -- because Sookie must insert herself into every single dramatic situation. "She has a warrior's heart, your majesty," Eric insists. "She wants to fight for you." Bill relents.
The meeting does not start on the right foot. First, Bill makes the mistake of calling Marntonia "Lady Antonia." "I am no lady," she hisses. "I am a peasant and proud of it." Ouch. Bill should have done his dead-witch homework.
Then, despite his offerings of peace and attempts to promise that no vampires will ever harm witches again, Marntonia ain't hearing that -- waves her arms and her back-up witches (and Tara) appear. Bill's summons his crew -- Eric, Sookie, Pam (looking more normal!) and other vampire folk.
"Surrender now and no one gets hurt," Bill says. Well, until Eric rushes a witch and rips out what appears to be her neck or jugular vein or somehting. Nice work, Eric.
Then, war! Tara kills a vampire, Pam tries to kill Tara until Bill commands her to stop. "Why did you save me?" Tara asks. "You know why," Bill responds. Oh that, Sookie. Such power over men.
The battle rages on, with random vampires attacking witches and vice versa. Until -- a real shocker -- Sookie is shot in the stomach. Eric senses something wrong, but is again "spellbound" by Martonia's powerful touch on the head.
Who's there to save her? Alcide! Ignoring Debbie's plea to stay away from Sookie, he instead in on the scene to pick her up into his arms. Debbie, secretly following him, sees all this go down and no doubt rushes back to tell her pack leader, Marcus.
Is there any fan out there not eager to find out what happens next? These witches are damn crafty. And Sookie's love triangle just turned into a .. uh ... rectangle? I guess.
CRAZY, STUPID, LOVE: So yeah, Eric and Sookie got seriously sexual this episode. We even got that shower scene that everyone was waiting to see. I know that it's the spellbound Eric talking, and the Sookie entraced by nice Eric responding, but this lovey talk went beyong gooey this episode. We did however, see Sookie's boobs and Eric's butt -- twice.
Didn't make up for the dialogue. Here's my top icky Sookie/Eric banter this episode:
1. "We will be one" -- Eric, biting his own hand, having Sookie drink from it and then making orgasm sounds during it.
2. Sookie: "It's a miracle." Eric: "What is?" Sookie: "You. Your blood. It's amazing."
3. Sookie sees a bed in the snow in their weird "we're one"-induced fantasy. "Can we make love in it?" Eric asks.
4. "All is possible. You and me -- possible. Loving you -- possible," Eric reaches a new low of cheesy.
5. This interaction. Eric: "I just want to be with you. Only you. Forever." Sookie: "There's no such thing as forever."
THE BREAK-UP: R.I.P Jessica and Hoyt! After Jessica is saved from the sun by Jason (nice leaping-in-the-air action movie NOOOOOO scene, Jason), they make out a bit. Jessica then has a fantasy where she breaks up with a whimpering Hoyt, murders him (Jessica's dreams -- now uber-dark!) and runs to Jason's arms.
The real break-up was way more realistic and heartbreaking, with Hoyt unnaturally cruel. "You don't deserve me. I don't deserve someone who will a f---ing virgin for all of eternity. I need someone who's not f---ing dead," he yells. Damn, Hoyt.