The post-election follies, 2010 edition

Why should the absurdity end on Election Day?

November 04, 2010|By Ben Krull

Now that the midterm elections are over, political junkies are experiencing painful withdrawal symptoms that include loitering at the site of their local polling place, re-watching candidate debates recorded on Tivo and leafing through old editions of the Cook Political Report.

But why should the political absurdity end with Election Day? Here are a few scenarios to watch for in the days and weeks ahead that might help the politically addicted — you know who you are — to get over their post-election blues (or post-election reds, if they are Democrats):

•Andrew Breitbart releases a video of President Barack Obama wearing an Arabic robe and holding a Koran while praying at the Ground Zero mosque. The White House says that the video is a fake, as forensic video experts become media superstars on FOX and MSNBC.

•Nancy Pelosi appears on the Academy Awards' red carpet with Brad Pitt, who announces that he is leaving Angelina Jolie for the congresswoman. Angelina counters by telling People magazine that she is pregnant with John Boehner's child.

•After "don't ask, don't tell" is repealed, Gen. David Petraeus says that he is gay and announces his engagement to Rep. Barney Frank.

•A mafia hit man tells a federal grand jury that Sen. Chuck Schumer paid him $50,000 in cash to "take out" Sen. Harry Reid before the Democratic leadership vote. Mr. Schumer admits transferring the cash, but says it was for get-out-the-vote efforts in New York.

•FOX News fires Juan Williams after the commentator says that when he sees tea party activists at town hall meetings in "Revolutionary-era garb" he gets "nervous" that they are gun-toting racists.

• Paparazzi snap a photograph of Charlie Sheen walking into New York's Plaza Hotel with a man wearing a Barack Obama mask. Mr. Sheen identifies the masked man to his parole officer as Louisiana Sen. David Vitter. Senator Vitter admits that he is the man in the photo but claims that he mistook Mr. Sheen for the troubled actor's father, Martin Sheen.

•Muttering about "Second Amendment remedies," defeated tea party candidate Sharron Angle storms the Senate floor, removes a handgun from her purse and fires shots into the Democratic side of the chamber, before being clotheslined by Hawaii's 84-year-old, one-armed, World War II veteran senator, Daniel Inouye. Nobody is hurt and an NRA spokesman calls Ms. Angle a "disgrace to gun owners for having such bad aim." Ms. Angle tells Rush Limbaugh that she was just firing warning shots.

•Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. yells "You lie!" during the 2011 State of the Union address, after President Obama calls the Supreme Court's decision overturning Obamacare "a sellout by five stealth lobbyists for the health insurance industry."

•Rahm Emanuel checks into rehab, after poking an opponent in the eye with his middle finger during a Chicago mayoral debate. A spokesperson for Mr. Emmanuel says that the candidate suffered from a steroid overdose that caused "roid rage."

•Vice President Joe Biden comes under pressure to resign after e-mailing Sara Palin photographs of grizzly bears mating.

•Sen. John Ensign goes undercover for the feds, as a sting operation reveals that the Christian Fellowship-affiliated C Street House functions as a brothel for Fellowship members.

•Secretary of State Hillary Clinton files for divorce, after former President Bill Clinton takes up residency in C Street House.

Ben Krull, a writer living in New York, blogs at benjaminkrull.com. His e-mail is ben@krull.com.

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