Check Your Emotions At Checkout Time

August 22, 2009|By Peter Schmuck

News item:: The Ravens break camp today and return to their Owings Mills training facility after 27 days of workouts at McDaniel College in Westminster.

My take: : Am I the only one who's going to miss the Best Western Hotel and all that crazy Carroll County nightlife?

News item:: Popular former defensive coordinator Rex Ryan returns to Baltimore for Monday night's preseason game between the Ravens and New York Jets at M&T Bank Stadium, just days after criticizing his old team for giving Michael McCrary's No. 99 to rookie Paul Kruger.

My take: : The Ravens are planning a nice tribute to Rex on the video boards before the game, but I think it would be hilarious if Greg Mattison showed up on the sideline wearing one of Rex's old sweat shirts.

News item: : Quarterback Brett Favre came out of retirement for the second time in two years this week and reported to training camp with the Minnesota Vikings. He reportedly signed a one-year contract worth as much as $12 million.

My take: : That's a lot of money, but not nearly as much as he's going to make when he joins Madonna and Celine Dion on the next Divas Tour.

News item: : The Philadelphia Eagles report that they have not lost any corporate sponsors because of public outrage over their decision to sign disgraced quarterback Michael Vick.

My take: : I'm sure that's a big relief. You never know what might happen when you bruise the tender sensibilities of Eagles fans.

News item: : Former New York Giants receiver Plaxico Burress accepted a plea bargain on a felony weapons charge and will serve at least 20 months in prison after accidentally shooting himself in the thigh at a Manhattan nightclub.

My take: : That'll teach him. The guy would have gotten less time if he had liquored up and run over a pedestrian or bankrolled a cruel dogfighting ring.

Bonus take: : No, really. Burress will serve about the same amount of time as Vick and Donte' Stallworth combined. I don't think that's what the framers meant when they were talking about equal justice.

News item: : The Washington Nationals took the interim tag off general manager Mike Rizzo and named him permanent GM on Thursday.

My take: : Need some guidance here. Do you congratulate a guy when he gets the Nats' GM job?

News item: : Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger suffered an ankle injury on the final day of training camp.

My take: : Don't even go there. It wouldn't be nearly as satisfying for the Ravens to beat the Steelers with Charlie Batch or Dennis Dixon calling the signals.

News item: : Notre Dame has gone to a 7-4-1 home-away-neutral site schedule to take advantage of its independent status and maximize national television revenue.

My take: : That's the official version. The new format also gives the Irish an excuse to schedule more soft opponents, since the other elite programs are not willing to sign up for nonconference road games without a reciprocal visit.

Bonus take: : Don't worry. Fighting Irish fans will still get to enjoy their annual spanking by Southern California.

News item: : The Nevada State Athletic Commission has approved the use of limited instant replay to review injury stoppages during professional boxing and mixed martial arts matches.

My take: : In a related development, Don King has announced that the instant replay system will be pay-per-view.

News item: : The Washington Nationals beat the midnight Monday deadline and signed top draft choice Stephen Strasburg to a record $15.7 million contract.

My take: : The alternative for Strasburg was a year of independent or Japanese baseball, yet agent Scott Boras was once again able to use the Vulcan mind meld to convince Nats officials he had most of the leverage in the down-to-the-wire negotiations. Imagine that.

News item: : Several members of a Japanese professional baseball team have tested positive for the swine flu.

My take: : That's not funny, of course, unless the team is the Nippon Ham Fighters, and it is.

Listen to Peter Schmuck weeknights at 6 on WBAL (1090 AM) and check out "The Schmuck Stops Here" at

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