In my spare time, I'm going to open a flier-proofreading business. I wouldn't charge a thing; though it might be nice if the flier distributors considered bartering the services they advertise, just once, for my family and me. And no, I am quite sure I didn't mean "for my family and I."
Here's my plan: I would definitely benefit from a one-time housecleaning, home exterior power washing, lawn analysis, junk pickup or any number of services proffered via fliers stuffed in my front door. In return, I would pledge to help your cottage industry look smart, or at least significantly less ignorant. How? By helping you avoid some business-crippling errors, evidenced by the following offensive flier headlines:
* "You're neighbor's trimmed there hedges, how about you?"
* "Were better then the competition."
* "Your just one person, you need housecleaning help!"
* "Organize now! Put everything in it's place."
To add insult to injury, these fliers often come in the mail, addressed to "The Gilbert's." I always wonder where exactly they were meant to go - to a Gilbert's kitchen table? A Gilbert's dog? A Gilbert's recycle bin?
I used to collect these fliers, with the fleeting idea that I might like to wallpaper my downstairs bath with them; a sort of witty wallpaper tribute to the rampant brutalization of the English language.
But then, some of them were just too sad, featuring not only grammatical errors but also lapses in spelling and usage, and I didn't think my powder room guests would like to experience profound melancholy in tight, windowless quarters. Frequently, I noted the requests for my business were obviously from people who were not native speakers - people who were simply doing the best they could with their limited English training.
I do not fault these folks who are starting new businesses and raising families and trying to learn our admittedly difficult language; they have limited financial resources and time. I just want to say: Send me your flier and let me proofread it, first. I'll help you out so that it ends up saying what you mean it to say.
But I have to draw the line and say I am not going to assist you born-and-bred Americans who tried to copy off me in public elementary school during grammar tests because you were just too darn lazy to learn the straightforward language lessons of the third grade. I'm talking about the usage of there, their and they're; then and than; your and you're; and the most irritating error of all, it's and its.
