Now Santa's gone missing, so please call the cops

CRIME BEAT

December 25, 2008|By PETER HERMANN | PETER HERMANN,peter.hermann@baltsun.com

(An exchange of holiday greetings between The Baltimore Sun and the city's Police Department.)

The cop shop reporters were snug at their desks,

While visions of prizes danced in their heads.

But the scanner was quiet; no crime to report;

Nothing, nada; the blotter, quite short.

The editors moaned; this can't be, they mused;

Christmas cheer doesn't sell! We need bad news!

Away to the windows, reporters ran like a flash

Notebooks in hands, they threw open the sash.

And there to behold, under a bright shining star,

The flashing blue lights of a city police car!

They sprang into action and raced to the street

Hoping to write something more than a brief.

Back in their glass dens, the editors huddled

And concocted a story, confused and befuddled;

Finally they smiled and wrote a bold head

Santa's been sleighjacked; get it up on the Web!

Now murders in Mob Town are down, that is true;

Celebrations are planned, even a parade or two.

But even Team Bealefeld and top exec Dixon

Can't say we're safe if St. Nick has gone missing.

Cops raced in their cars and Amber alerts blared

HBO launched The Wire, Part 6, The Holiday Scare.

The crime blogs screamed with fear and despair;

Police boats grounded, Foxtrot took to the air!

Cops begged with people to snitch on their friends,

Lest the city be blamed for Christmas' end;

Detectives jacked up elves and city pols met,

As usual - no witness, no motive, no suspect.

An officer was summoned to write up his take,

But his sergeant insisted that Santa was fake.

No victim, no report, no crime had occurred;

Another stat saved; Christmas bonus assured.

Shortly thereafter, a bad elf returned Nick;

The joy ride done in just over a wink.

Cops set to downgrade from felony sleighjacking

Unauthorized use? No, misdemeanor hacking!

And so crime is down and the top brass is hailed,

The bad elf remains free, not a day spent in jail .

But rest assured folks, we will once again grieve

Even as the city pleads with us to BELIEVE.

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