And this triggers the usual recitation of what-coffee-does-to-me horror stories that range from "It makes me too jittery" to the ever-popular "It makes me run to the bathroom every 10 minutes."
Great. That's good to know.
"Who wants decaf?" I ask at that point, hoping to head off even more embarrassing details about what coffee does to, say, the digestive system.
But that doesn't work, either. Because then the anti-decaf people start arguing with the pro-decaf people about which is better for you.
You wouldn't think people could get that worked up about coffee. But they can.
When the pies and cakes are finally put out, the level of interrogation takes on Guantanamo detention-camp proportions.
"What's in the cake?" I had someone ask me last year, eyes narrowing suspiciously, at the exact same time that someone else asked "What's in the pie?"
This totally floored me.
What's in the cake and pie?! You mean the exact ingredients? How the hell do I know? Do you want some or not? Look, I understand the concern of the gluten-free people and the nut-allergy people about dessert.
I would not want to eat a piece of cake or pie and double over with cramps or stop breathing, either.
The stop-breathing part would particularly concern me, especially if it were to become permanent.
But the low-sodium people and the vegetarians and everyone else should just back off with the questions.
Especially the closeted weight-watchers. Just because they're trying to lose a few pounds, they don't have the right to be killjoys.
At times like this, I feel like delivering a quick lecture:
"Yes, people these are pies and cakes. They are loaded with calories and full of sugar and fat.
"What did you expect to have for dessert? A small garden salad with vinaigrette dressing? A rice cake with hummus?
"That's not how we roll in this house. We are cake and pie people, because life is too short not to be. Try a piece, it won't kill you.
"And, whatever you do, don't start with that I'll-just-have-a-sliver business. Because that one will really, really tick us off.
"Enjoy the rest of your meal."
