Hang on, it's almost over

November 03, 2008|By KEVIN COWHERD | KEVIN COWHERD,kevin.cowherd@baltsun.com

One more day and it'll be over.

One more day and the Campaign That Never Ends finally ends.

Think how different life will be after tomorrow's election.

No more campaign commercials to get you all worked up.

No more 24-hour coverage of Barack Obama and John McCain speechifying in front of the adoring wives and frenzied supporters to drive you nuts.

No more Gallup polls, Nielsen polls, New York Times/CBS News polls and every other poll every 5 minutes.

No more Joe the Plumber.

OK, that likely won't happen. Joe the Plumber is too big to fade away after the election. They chant the guy's name at rallies and mob him for autographs like he's Bruce Willis. Plus he's hired a PR firm to help him land a book deal and find other ways to cash in on his newfound celebrity.

You watch, soon the guy will be doing commercials for Home Depot and Geico.

Look, that little lizard's act is getting old. I could definitely see Joe the Plumber getting that Geico gig. Remember, you read it here first.

Here's another thing we won't be hearing about after tomorrow's election: Tina Fey's career.

OK, that's probably not true, either. She's the hottest thing in show biz right now. People are actually watching 30 Rock again. But once the election's over, Fey says she won't be doing any more of her wildly popular Sarah Palin impersonations on Saturday Night Live.

But you shouldn't believe that, either. Trust me, if the McCain-Palin ticket wins, Fey will be back playing "Sarah of the Tundra" on SNL.

They'll make her an offer she can't refuse. Lorne Michaels will personally back a Wells Fargo truck up to her door and let her cart off as much cash as she wants.

Thankfully, we won't have to hear about undecided voters after tomorrow, either.

(Note to any undecided voters actually reading this: Uh, folks, don't mean to rush you. I know the campaign's only been going on for two freaking years.)

Finally, all the endless back-and-forth about slots will be over after tomorrow, too. I fear they're coming to Maryland, and if people want to bore themselves to death playing them, that's OK by me.

If you think building five garish slots emporiums with bad food and watered-down drinks so problem gamblers can blow their mortgage money is a good thing, by all means vote yes on Question 2.

Yet now that this interminable presidential campaign is almost over, here's what I want to know more than anything else: How did Obama and McCain do it?

How did they manage two years of nonstop campaigning without keeling over from exhaustion?

How did they jump on four or five planes a day and travel all over the country and make dozens of speeches and kiss scores of slobbering babies and shake hundreds of hands for so long?

Me, I'm beat if I have to mow the lawn and go to the post office the same day.

What are these guys on that gives them so much energy? Whatever it is, I want to get on it.

Here were Obama and McCain the other night, giving rousing speeches at 11 at night to packed arenas after a full day of jetting around the country, and both seemed fresh as a daisy.

It's impressive to see Barack Obama doing this, but if the man gets any skinnier, he's going to blow away.

(Barack, please, have a Whopper and a milk shake once in a while. It won't kill you. Have room service bring up a quart of Breyer's Dutch chocolate. Live a little.)

But how about John McCain keeping up this pace?

The man's 72 years old! Most folks his age can't stay up past 9:30. I can barely make it through The Office.

And let's not forget that McCain, a genuine war hero, still suffers from injuries he received as a POW. Could you blame him if he took a few days off to sit around the pool with a few pina coladas and relax?

But there's no relaxing now for either candidate.

They've got to get through one more day. So do we.

I hope we can make it.

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