Hey, undecided voters: Time to decide already

You are an undecided voter.

In eight days, you go to the polls to vote for the next president of the United States.

But you still can't make up your mind.

The pollsters come knocking at your door. Or call you on the phone.

"Barack Obama or John McCain?" they ask.

"Gee, I don't know," you say. "It's so hard to choose."

Really?

Can I be honest here? You scare the rest of us. You really do.

The polls say you represent between 5 percent and 12 percent of the electorate.

The pundits say you could have a major impact on the election.

And that's the really scary part.

Do we want this election decided by someone who walks into a voting booth and flips a coin to fill out a ballot?

Or someone who picks a president by the time-honored eenie-meenie-minie-moe method?

I don't think so. But that could be where we're heading.

The wonder, of course, is how anyone could still be undecided after a campaign that's dragged on for almost two years.

Let's look at a few numbers, shall we?

There were three presidential debates and a vice presidential debate this fall.

There were 26 debates between the Democratic candidates before that party's primary.

There were 21 debates between the Republican candidates before the GOP primary.

The campaign has been covered by every TV and radio talk show, newspaper, magazine, Web site and blog in the entire universe.

The candidates have talked in excruciating detail about their positions on everything from the economy, health care and the environment to the war in Iraq, education and Social Security.

They've even shared their feelings on Joe the Plumber.

Yet you say you're still undecided.

"Don't rush me," you say.

"I need to know more about the candidates," you say.

"I need to study up on the issues."

Which raises the question: What in God's name is wrong with you?

OK, sorry. That was out of line.

Didn't mean to hurt your feelings. We're all under a lot of stress with this economy tanking.

But how could you possibly need more time to ... nevermind.

Actually, Mr. or Ms. Undecided Voter, let me ask you another question:

When exactly will you know that you've settled on a candidate?

Are you waiting for one of them to say something so incredibly dumb or provocative that you can cross him off the list?