OK, we're being facetious here. But why do you have to come to games looking like it's Mardi Gras?
Some of you guys must start dyeing your hair and getting into those elaborate costumes at 6 in the morning on game day.
I called a couple of experts to see what they thought of you people, and of this whole phenomenon of fans wearing goofy costumes and masks at NFL games.
Dave Czesniuk, who directs Northeastern University's Center for Sport and Society in Boston, says fans who dress up may be trying to escape the anonymity that comes with being part of a crowd.
"It's a way to differentiate yourself from other fans, like 'We're really the best fans," Czesniuk said.
As to why it appears to be a middle-aged guy thing, my old buddy Jim Dassinger, a psychologist in Reisterstown, says you people are basically trying to relive your glory days.
"It's another form of coping with a midlife crisis," Dr. Jim says, "just like getting the convertible, losing weight, changing your hair style, sometimes even having plastic surgery."
So middle-aged guys who, say, shave their heads and paint them to look like Ravens helmets - apparently that's the hot new look - may be doing it, he says, "to look younger and to get rid of the disappointment they have for not accomplishing more by the time they're 40."
Ouch. That one must hurt.
But he may have a point.
On the other hand, putting together some goofy Ravens costume is definitely cheaper than buying a new Porsche or taking up with some young floozy and wrecking your marriage.
Me, I always wonder what your families think of all the crazy costumes and head-dresses and masks you guys wear.
What if another kid came up to your kid and said: "Hey, I saw your dad at the Ravens game. He was wearing this big, purple pirate's hat with feathers sticking through it and he had a black patch over one eye, and his face was painted like Gene Simmons of Kiss.
"Plus, he was wearing all these beads and sparkly things, and he had a big scary bird perched on each shoulder!"
I don't know, isn't that going to be a little awkward for your little guy?
On the other hand, Halloween is next month and you're all set for it.
So maybe there's a positive there, too.
