Days as 'Johnson' were numbered

THE SCHMUCK STOPS HERE

August 31, 2008|By PETER SCHMUCK | PETER SCHMUCK,peter.schmuck@baltsun.com

News item: There are reports that Cincinnati wide receiver Chad Johnson has gone through with his threat to legally change is last name to Ocho Cinco so he can wear his nickname on his jersey without incurring the disciplinary wrath of the Bengals or the NFL.

My take: Nothing he might do would surprise me. Those of us who constantly crave attention will do anything to get it. Did you know my name used to be Chad Johnson, too?

News item: Orioles pitcher Daniel Cabrera lost the appeal of his six-day suspension for allegedly throwing at Alex Rodriguez.

My take: Major League Baseball couldn't handle this simple logic: If Cabrera was actually trying to hit the guy, he wouldn't have.

News item: The Philadelphia Phillies acquired left-handed power bat Matt Stairs on Friday to bolster their lineup for the stretch run.

My take: The Phils also considered Mike Lamb and Mark Kotsay (before he was traded to the Boston Red Sox). Got to believe if Aubrey Huff could play the outfield, they would have been knocking hard on the Warehouse door.

News item: Three moving trucks arrived in Oklahoma City on Friday carrying about 5 tons of equipment and furniture for the transplanted former Seattle SuperSonics NBA franchise.

My take: I wonder whether they were Mayflower vans.

News item: Just when you thought it was safe to blast Chinese Olympic officials for their heavy-handed manipulation of the Olympic opening ceremony, the head of the Sydney Symphony Orchestra has admitted that much of the music during the 2000 Games was prerecorded.

My take: Wow, what a scandal. Milli Vanilli and Ashley Simpson were unavailable for comment.

News item: MLB instituted limited instant replay Thursday to correct mistaken calls on home runs.

My take: Like most traditionalists, I've long resisted the siren call of video replay but can't really mount a legitimate argument against the new system, as long as it remains limited to border calls.

News item: Daunte Culpepper e-mailed the Associated Press on Thursday night that he's interested in joining the Green Bay Packers if they decide they need a veteran presence to go with Aaron Rodgers and their two rookies.

My take: I'm wondering how long it took Culpepper to e-mail Ozzie Newsome on Wednesday and ask him, "Who the heck is Casey Bramlet?"

News item: Michael Strahan considered a reported $8 million offer to return to the New York Giants, but he decided to remain retired and continue his new career as a football analyst for Fox.

My take: Can hardly blame him. He has got plenty of money and a Super Bowl ring. It's going to be a lot more fun ripping those guys who used to chop-block him from a respectable distance.

News item: MLB has acknowledged that umpire Doug Eddings blew an obstruction call involving A.J. Pierzynski that cost the Tampa Bay Rays a game last weekend.

My take: I doubt that's going to make Rays manager Joe Maddon feel all warm and fuzzy because there is no recourse in a situation that involves a judgment call. If the Rays lose home-field advantage in the playoffs by one game, you'll know why.

News item: Youth baseball officials in New Haven, Conn., have disqualified and disbanded a team after it refused a league directive to bench a 9-year-old pitcher for being too good.

My take: There are other aspects of this story that make it even more ridiculous - such as the fact that the league commissioner is tied to a business that sponsors a rival team - but there's really no reason to embellish this one. Forrest Gump said it best: "Stupid is as stupid does."

News item: Stanford held off a late comeback attempt by Oregon State to score a 36-28 Pacific-10 victory Thursday night.

My take: Maybe John Harbaugh ought to check with his brother Jim and see whether he can spare a quarterback.

Listen to Peter Schmuck on WBAL (1090 AM) at noon most Saturdays and Sundays.

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