I knew a girl once who taught me to believe in love, no matter how hard I resisted. And then a third baseman ruined it for me.
Thanks for nothing, A-Rod.
Alex Rodriguez's wife, Cynthia, filed for divorce this week on grounds of "infidelity" and accusations that the 12-time All-Star "emotionally abandoned" her and their two children.
"The marriage of the parties is irretrievably broken because of the husband's extramarital affairs and other marital misconduct," according to her petition for dissolution of marriage, which was filed in Miami-Dade County Circuit Court.
All of this leaves me to wonder: If their relationship can't work, which one will?
If a handsome superstar baseball player in New York with a $275 million contract, groupies dripping off him like rain water and a work schedule that keeps him away from home for long stretches can't hold a marriage together, what hope is there for the rest of us?
Days before the filing, more stories began to surface that linked Rodriguez to yet another woman whose name doesn't appear on his marriage license. Funny how that keeps happening. A report in a recent issue of Us Weekly detailed his numerous late-night visits to Madonna's apartment in New York.
Yes, that Madonna. And he didn't get there in a time machine.
We're not talking "Like a Virgin" Madonna. (That ship sailed a long time ago.) We're not talking the Madonna whose videos played every hour on MTV, back when MTV actually played videos.
We're talking today's Madonna, the 49-year-old version who just happens to be married to filmmaker Guy Ritchie, if that sort of thing matters these days.
Really, Alex? Who's next, Janet Jackson? The one-armed drummer from Def Leppard? Did you wear a throwback uniform from the '80s?
Madonna issued a statement Sunday that denied any romantic involvement with Rodriguez. Of course, she did. Has a statement ever confirmed an extramarital affair? "My husband and I are not planning on getting a divorce," the statement read. "I know Alex Rodriguez through Guy Oseary, who manages both of us. I brought my kids to a Yankee game. I am not romantically involved in any way with Alex Rodriguez."
She never mentioned Bengie Molina, but we'll assume he's also just a friend.
Meanwhile, Dennis Rodman still can't get her to return his calls anymore. Neither can the starting lineup of the '85 Houston Rockets.
Before anyone considers intimacy with the former pop diva and says, "Eewww," just know that I'm not buying it. Spare me your indignation and high standards. So what if she's a few mile markers past her "Lucky Star" days. So what if Papa's now preaching the benefits of Medicare. So what if the Material Girl is switching to polyester. This is still Madonna. The bragging rights alone are worth it.
Maybe I expect a little more from Rodriguez, who can have his pick of supermodels and young starlets, but none of us is handing out fake phone numbers to Madonna. And we would hope the tabloids picked up the story right away. If not, we would start our own newspaper.
Just wait until I release my statement.