Gas crisis or no, millions of Americans are hitting the road this summer, and many will travel that magical stretch of road known as the New Jersey Turnpike, where they'll stop at its various service areas which are, well, not so magical.
These are named after great Americans, for some reason, and include the Vince Lombardi Service Area, the Thomas Edison Service Area, the Grover Cleveland Service Area, the Molly Pitcher Service Area and so on.
You wonder what someone like Thomas Edison would think about having a rest stop named after him.
This was maybe the greatest inventor in history, the man who gave us the electric lightbulb, the phonograph and 1,000 other inventions.
And now, his name is forever linked to a place where people stop to use the restrooms, talk loudly on their cell phones and cram their fat faces with Roy Rogers' burgers and Cinnabon rolls.
Interestingly, there is no Tony Soprano Service Area as of yet, but it's probably just a matter of time until there is.
In his heyday, the TV mob boss was huge in Jersey; bigger than Jon Bon Jovi, maybe even bigger than Bruce Springsteen.
So how does he get dissed like that?
Look, there's even a Joyce Kilmer Service Area. And what did he ever do? (Yes, Kilmer was a he. You could look it up.)
Anyway, what did he do? Write a couple of poems?
Including the one about trees?
Big deal.
Tony Soprano showed a whole generation of would-be wise guys that there's nothing wrong with getting in touch with your murderous feelings via psychotherapy.
Not to mention that he also personally brought loud sport shirts, sleeveless undershirts and gold chains back into fashion.
For God's sake, name a rest stop after the man!
Who do you have to see about something like that, the governor?
Speaking of Tony, you would have a gut as big as his if you made it a habit to eat at New Jersey Turnpike rest areas.
This is where good nutrition goes to die.
Each has a basic configuration of fast-food restaurants that incorporates some mix of the Artery-Clogging Big Six: Roy Rogers, Burger King, Cinnabon, Popeyes, Arthur Treacher's Fish & Chips and Nathan's Famous hot dogs.
A few rest areas also have a TCBY. But a TCBY, heck, that's like a health-food store compared to the others.
Naturally, everything sold at these fast-food places is monstrously overpriced. You see families of four walk up to the cash register carrying trays laden with junk food, then everyone nearly has a heart attack when the bill's totaled up.
