The don'ts and dos of public service

Attention, elected officials: In case you haven't been paying attention for the past 35 years - you know, since Agnew's time - here's a little refresher course on avoiding scandal and ruin. It's a public service - a list of dos and don'ts, but mostly don'ts, that will help you avoid needless stress, embarrassment, astronomical legal bills and concerns about indictment as you enjoy healthy and rewarding careers in service to your constituents. Most of you already know this stuff, but it has become obvious in recent days that some need a remedial course.

1. Public trust is everything. It is hard won and easily lost. Try not to lose it. If you lose it, you can pray to St. Anthony 24-7 for a week and never get it back.

2. Don't take bribes. It may seem like an obvious thing, like "Don't do dope" or "Don't fry bacon while naked." But it can't be said enough. The lesson of the late Spiro T. Agnew, the one-time Maryland governor who took bribes even after becoming vice president of the United States, is probably long lost now. So here's a gentle reminder to a new generation - do not take gifts from people who might want you to influence legislation or government contracts. It's pretty much against the law. You can look it up.

3. Don't make the mistake of thinking you're smarter than everyone else - that you can come up with the perfect scheme to reward friends or relatives with government contracts or other benefits, and keep it all a secret. You might think you've found a loophole in a law, or a novel way to skirt the rules, but it's unlikely, pal. Most of this stuff has been tried before, and the list of Maryland pols who've been caught with hands in various cookie jars is long.

4. Assuming you don't pay attention to the advice I just gave you, and you think you can get away with taking bribes, then consider this: Small bribes, big bribes - either way, you're probably going to get caught, so don't bother. Even small bribes can be traced faster than ever, with credit records, bank transactions, wire transfers. Big bribes might seem worth a calculated risk - a way to put something away for retirement, pay for a college education, or treat yourself to a lovely winter coat. But unless you're going offshore and have a perfect escape plan for leaving the country, like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption, then forget it. The feds will find a way of seizing your loot, and, instead of Zihuatanejo, you'll end up in Lewisburg.