Guaranteed to get old

Roch's Rant

January 31, 2008

Plaxico Burress proclaims that the New York Giants will win the Super Bowl, and the media flock to him and his story as if he just invented a cure for Frank TV.

Original, he isn't.

Doesn't every big game in every sport include at least one guarantee? Even the small ones aren't immune to it. If this is considered fresh, so is the pair of socks I found under my bed (and I'm pretty sure they were there before I moved in).

When wide receiver Roy Williams assured us last season that the Detroit Lions would beat the Chicago Bears in Week 2, part of his logic centered on how close they came to scoring 40 points in their opening loss to the Seattle Seahawks.

"We will win this game," he said Sept. 12, 2006. "Y'all can take that as a guarantee or whatnot, but we will win this game." A man who uses "y'all" and "whatnot" should at least be good at math, but the Lions lost to the Bears, 34-7, after scoring only six points against the Seahawks.

I guarantee that's not a win. Or anywhere near 40 points. Joe Namath gave us the ultimate prediction in Super Bowl III. He also gave every other athlete license to imitate him, though often without the necessary results. It's impressive only if you're right. And even then, it has grown tired.

You want guarantees? Giants quarterback Eli Manning will wear a goofy expression on his face once during the game. It happens only once because it never goes away. And Archie Manning will be shown sitting in a luxury suite after every Giants possession - or snap of the football. I'm not sure which. And the game will be delayed at least 12 minutes after a blitzing Giants cornerback becomes wedged in Tom Brady's dimple.

Meanwhile, in keeping with tradition, Burress guarantees a Giants victory. Co-owner Steve Tisch predicts that his team will upset the New England Patriots. Defensive end Michael Strahan says "history will be ours." Unfortunately, originality will not.

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