If you're like us - which you're probably not; you're probably smarter and better looking and make more money, but on the off chance you are like us - then there are only a few televised events that can bring gender harmony to your living room sofa.
Because American Idol makes us want to stick a sharp object in our temples, our list is short: the Super Bowl and the Academy Awards.
We consistently marvel at the way these productions bring together husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, lovers and friends, for hours of bloated, overhyped, fascinating television programming.
It doesn't matter if our spouses sometimes confuse Laurence Maroney with Laurence Fishburne. Or that during the red carpet show, we occasionally find ourselves pondering whether Queen Latifah, sexy as she is, could be a fullback in the right system. For a few hours, we're able to join together and celebrate our respective entertainment vices in style, whether it's over chicken wings, chili and beer or mini crab cakes, puffed pastries and champagne.
All of this explains why we're quietly devastated that the strike by the Writers Guild of America is threatening to cancel the Oscars. But we can only imagine what the outcry would be if the Super Bowl were canceled. So we're going to do our best to rectify the situation while we keep our fingers crossed that Hollywood brokers a last-minute deal. We're handing out Oscars for the 2007 NFL season.
Best Documentary Feature -- Bill Belichick, New England Patriots. This one has been covered to death, but for a variety of reasons, the Patriots' brazen recording of their opponent's defensive hand signals earlier in the season reminds us of Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11. Both were masterminded by a polarizing slob who likes wearing sweat shirts, and we still don't know how outraged we should be about both. Since Moore's not much of an actor, here's our choice to play Belichick if the Pats' perfect season ever makes it to the big screen: Philip Seymour Hoffman. He might have nailed his role as Truman Capote, but we're pretty sure playing a wife-stealing grumpy genius like Belichick might go down as his greatest triumph.
