Son, why don't you get your glove and let's play some catch. Whaddya say?
Horses - -!
Whoa. We don't talk like that in this house. Where'd you hear that?
That's what Aubrey says, Dad.
No, Dad, Aubrey Hepburn. Duh. It's all over the Internet.
Well, I don't care what the Internet says. Get your glove before it gets dark. Practice makes perfect.
Dad, you're so old. Aubrey says you see the ball, you hit the ball. It's not that hard. Also, can you tell Mom that for Saturday's game, she needs to let me sleep past noon. And we need to go to the sporting goods store to buy me a hangover. That's what Aubrey has before every game.
Wait just a second. What exactly are you talking about?
Didn't you read Deadspin.com today? They have video of Aubrey with Bubba the Love Sponge, and -
Excuse me. Bubba the What?
The Love Sponge, Dad. It's a radio show. Anyway, Aubrey says he was just "acting," but he was drinking and cursing and even painted the nude body of a corn star named Melissa Midwest.
You mean porn star?
Yeah, porn star. And guess what else, Dad - did you know that major league baseball players make so much money that they spend $34.99 just to watch a single movie! I'll bet it's even better than Transformers!
Son, we better have a talk. What you saw on the computer, that's not how most people choose to act. And the art project with that woman -
Um, yes, that woman is just an actress, and everyone on there was just trying to entertain people, to have some grown-up fun. It wasn't real life. Do you understand?
Of course, Dad. It was totally fun. I watched it three times.
No, son. Listen to me: Sometimes we do things - sometimes adults do things - that we think is fun and entertaining. But then later, we realize that we were being foolish and we regret that we ever did them in the first place.
You mean Aubrey didn't enjoy the art project with Ms. Midwest?
I don't know if he did, son, but it's not something he needed to share with everybody. I'm sure Aubrey is very sorry that he didn't exercise better judgment.
Oh, no, he's not.
What do you mean?
I read about it in The Baltimore Sun. He says he's not sorry at all. Look here.
(Reading) "Is it the smartest thing in the world to say that stuff? No. But nobody has ever accused me of being smart."
Isn't Aubrey funny, Dad? I'll bet it's the Red Bull and vodka that makes him funny. Can I have some of that in my water bottle Saturday?
(Still reading) "We're not politicians. We're baseball players. There are certain things you can or cannot say. Was it over the line? Maybe a little bit. But it was all in good fun. Hopefully, it didn't offend anybody. If it did, so be it."
See, Dad. "So be it." I wasn't offended. What's the big deal?
Think of it this way. Do you remember that time you got in trouble at school? Do you remember how it made your mom feel, and how bad you felt about that? Well, Aubrey forgot that he doesn't just represent himself. In life, our actions reflect on everyone we're close to - our friends and family and bosses ... and our fans, our city, our ...
C'mon, Dad, that's a bunch of horses - -
Hey! What did I tell you about that word?
Sorry, Dad, but baseball players are rich and famous. They should be allowed to have some fun.
So what you're telling me is that you still want to be a baseball player?
That you want to be like Aubrey Huff?
Like Aubrey? Get real, Dad. Aubrey can't hit the side of a parked bus. His numbers have fallen faster than Britney Spears' career. I want to be like A-Rod. If a bum like Aubrey Huff has that much fun, can you imagine how cool it must be to be a real baseball player?
Well, I think you have a mixed-up view of what fun is. You know what I think would be fun? Going out, throwing the ball around and getting you ready for Saturday's big game.
OK, Dad, but can I ask just one more question?
Of course. What is it?
What's a love sponge?