Paris the heiress will sample the simple life at the Slammer Hilton

May 07, 2007|By Kevin Cowherd | Kevin Cowherd,Sun Columnist

Let us now examine the strange case of poor Paris Hilton, who has been in the news again and not, you'll be shocked to know, for winning Young Humanitarian of the Year.

Maybe you heard: Poor Paris is going to the slammer.

A judge in Los Angeles sentenced the serial-partying heiress to 45 days in the county jail for violating her probation after a reckless driving arrest last September in which she appeared intoxicated and failed a field sobriety test.

It was thought the judge might give her a break and sentence her to work release or home detention or brushing the ponies at the local polo club for a couple of hours, but it was not to be.

Still, 45 days in a women's jail is not considered hard time.

Although if your life consists mainly of jumping in and out of stretch limos and standing around at parties with a flute of champagne and a bored expression on your face while the paparazzi snap pictures of you and your little Chihuahua, maybe it is hard time.

Hilton told the judge she was very sorry for driving with a suspended license, which caused the parole violation, but that she thought her license had only been suspended for 30 days and that she was allowed to drive for work purposes after that.

Is this putting you to sleep?

OK, me too.

But maybe it's not the writing this time.

Listening to celebrities rationalize their run-ins with the law, unless it's Mel Gibson getting popped for DUI and ranting about Jews in the back of a patrol car, has an eye-glazing effect on people because we seem to hear it every other day.

My favorite part of the Paris Hilton sentencing story had to do with her mother's behavior in the courtroom.

Listen to this gem from the Associated Press: "As a city prosecutor said during closing arguments that Hilton deserved jail time, Hilton's mother, Kathy, laughed. When the judge ruled, Kathy Hilton blurted out: `May I have your autograph?'"


We can't know for sure from that paragraph whether Kathy Hilton was being sarcastic or bizarre or what.

But it seems to me that when a judge is sentencing your daughter to jail time, it would be a good time for you, as the mom, to shut up.

Needling the judge or acting like a nutcase tends not to help matters.

Memo to Paris: If you're ever convicted of murder and facing the gas chamber, I'd leave mom home for the sentencing.

Of if you do bring her, make sure you duct-tape her mouth real well.

One thing we found out from the Paris Hilton sentencing is that having incredible wealth and fame and going to fabulous parties every night with your little dog is hard work.

I mean really hard.

You pretty much have to devote all your time to it, and that doesn't leave a whole lot of time for other things.

For instance, according to another wire-service story, Hilton told the judge that she doesn't read her mail.

"I have people who do that for me," she told him.

Therefore, she apparently isn't always up on stuff like traffic citations and suspended licenses and things like that, never mind the bills.

"I just sign what people tell me to sign," is what she testified.

As for checking in with her lawyers about the terms of her probation and when she could or couldn't drive, well, finding time for that was apparently a bit of a problem, too.

Oh, I guess there are times when you want to have a sit-down with your mouthpiece.

But then you have to get ready to go out.

And next thing you know your blue Bentley is gassed up outside, your cell phone's ringing, there are all these fabulous people waiting for you at all these hot clubs and your little dog is yapping "Let's go, let's go!" Well, what's a gal to do?

Sometime you just have to blow off the lawyers.

Especially when all they want to talk about is "Paris, this time it's serious" and blah, blah, blah.

"I'm a very busy person," Hilton told the judge.

Paris Hilton's lawyer said he'll appeal the jail sentence.

But unless that goes through, once Hilton reports for jail June 6, it appears she won't be that busy at all for the next month and a half.

The new season of her reality series is called The Simple Life Goes to Camp. But she won't be roasting marshmallows around a fire, and her bunkmate probably won't be as trashy as Nicole Richie.

I have never been to jail, but they say there's a lot of downtime associated with it.

Someone should tell Paris that you basically sit around and look at the four walls, one of which has these steel bars running up and down it.

They let you out to take a shower and watch TV and play pingpong and walk around the exercise yard, but that's about it.

There's not a whole lot of partying that goes on in there.

Plus everyone always seems to be in a bad mood.

I'm guessing they won't let her bring her little dog, either.

Just to be mean.

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