You want a noise ordinance? I'll give you a noise ordinance.
The Baltimore City Council is wrestling with how to quiet down this often-clamorous city. It's considering adding "excessive noise" to the list of public nuisances, right up there with prostitution and gambling, that police can use to shut down a building.
Though the proposal was discussed - at length, and over the din of car alarms and emergency vehicles outside - at a City Hall hearing this week, council members delayed action until they could iron out the legislation's language and figure out how to enforce it.
(No small matter, incidentally, when the police say they don't have the equipment - or, no doubt, the desire - to measure decibel levels at every bar or backyard barbecue that bothers a nearby resident, and the Health Department, which does have such devices, says it would defer to the police on this one.)
While the council hashes out the specifics, one thing is clear: With its focus on shutting down buildings from which excessive noise emanates, the proposal fails to address those truly responsible for today's aural nuisances: Buildings don't create noise; people do.
So, in the spirit of helping out our elected officials, let me offer my own proposal for a noise ordinance.
PUBLIC CELL PHONE USAGE
(A) Definitions. Cell phone user shall be in violation of excessive noise ordinance if:
(1) conversation can be heard by anyone other than intended recipient of the call, particularly if:
(a) said conversation is comprised of utterly meaningless information that has no discernible need of conveyance. Including, but not limited to, such information as, "I'm leaving the CVS now and going to my car. ... I'm at my car now."
(b) conversation takes an intimate turn that fails to pass the "ewwwwww" test. Example: "So then the doctor asks me if there was any itching."
(2) cell phone's ring tone is such that it becomes implanted in the brain of any passer-by, who then is stuck hearing it over and over in his or her head for the remainder of the day. Harshest penalties apply if ring tone is Pussycat Dolls' "Don't Cha."
(B) Limitations. None.
(1) Well, maybe if you're calling 911.
(2) And your mother, because you never call, you never write.
(C) Penalties.
(1) First violation: 25 hours of community service, to be served in a dead zone with no cellular service.
