True confession: Until the other night, I had never watched American Idol, the hit Fox show that's part singing competition, part exercise in ritual humiliation.
But Idol has become so big in this, its sixth season -- 64 million viewers watched the two episodes last week -- that I felt compelled to find out what all the hype was about.
So I watched Tuesday's show, which originated from Birmingham, Ala., where 11,000 contestants tried out for a shot at being demeaned by Idol's chief judge and executioner, Simon Cowell.
Sure, the show has two other judges, Randy What's-His-Name and loopy Paula Abdul, who is rumored to have some sort of drug or alcohol problem.
(Let me say this: If I had to watch this woman jump up and down and scream and make these crazy pronouncements on a regular basis, I'd have a drug or alcohol problem myself.)
But Cowell is the show's Torquemada, the high priest of cruelty that everyone tunes in to see, the man who shatters showbiz aspirations like a brick through a windshield.
And he was at the top of his game in Birmingham.
To 19-year-old Erika, who led off the show with a warbling rendition of "Unchained Melody," he yelped: "Erika, it's like a never-ending torture! ... You're just an absolutely hopeless singer!"
As he listened to 18-year-old Lakia, who shrieked a song that was virtually unrecognizable, in an octave that would make dogs howl, he seemed to go into shock.
"What ... the hell ... was that?" he finally managed.
"I'm nervous," Lakia said.
Naturally, Cowell sympathized big time.
"Lakia," he continued, "that was a complete and utter mess. It was possibly the worst version of that song I have ever heard."
So it went for most of the hour, Cowell savaging one terrible singer after another and having a delightful time.
At one point, as they went to a commercial break, I thought I saw him tearing the wings off a butterfly. But that might have just been the camera angle.
But by the time the last singer was trotted out, on Day Two of the Birmingham auditions, Cowell had apparently decided: OK, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
Because when 28-year-old Brandy performed an atrocious version of Madonna's "Like a Virgin," Cowell cut her off with: "Thank you, Brandy, for an absolutely awful audition. That was absolutely rotten."
Brandy, inexplicably, then launched into an even more horrible version of "Proud Mary." This caused Cowell and Randy What's-His-Name -- Paula Abdul had flown back to Hollywood, God knows why -- to both gang up on her.
