Hulk's daughter has the cash, but not the voice, of a pop star

CD Review

October 24, 2006|By The Denver Post

The procedure of transforming a quasi-celebrity into a pop singer is more akin to the bureaucratic method than the creative process.

It's process that, if followed correctly, ensures a certain amount of success -- 500,000 copies, at least. Here's how it works, step by step:

Lots of exposure and face time on Extra and the glossy magazine pages.

Sex appeal and scandal/controversy.

A big-name producer and a platinum credit card.

A-list collaborators.

Image reinvention and goliath publicity push.

The process isn't so much a transformation anymore as it is a given. Anyone can go FM. That is why there is very little surprise surrounding today's release of Brooke Hogan's Undiscovered.

Hogan, now known as Brooke, has followed the steps and peripheral choreography with the perfection of a Dancing with the Stars champion. It all started with Hogan Knows Best, the reality TV show that debuted in 2005 and followed her family, which is ruled with the iron fist of former wrestling star (and Brooke's overprotective dad) Hulk Hogan.

To put Brooke's music into perspective of her contemporaries, it's reaching harder for Mariah Carey than it is Lindsay Lohan. It's a sound that makes sense, given the past leanings of her producer, Scott Storch.

The first single from the project was released this summer, and "About Us," a dance-floor ringer featuring Storch's trademark hip-hop-lite production and Paul Wall's sleepy-tight rhymes, put Brooke on the map.

The song brilliantly played off the success of Carey's The Emancipation of Mimi, which was one of the more redundant and simplistic records of the past decade.

It's listenable, and it's the ideal lead single for a CD such as this, given the target audience. But the rest of the record is a different story. Most of it is borderline atrocious -- possibly even sub-Lohan in quality.

Lohan's music is offensive even to the teenage audience it's being hurled at. Lohan has no business making music, as no audio equipment can apparently make up for her lack of talent behind the mike.

After you get past "About Us," that's what Brooke's Undiscovered feels like. The songs are bafflingly off, coming off like first drafts during the first days of a collaboration. Her voice is given many freedoms by producer Storch, and it often kills a song instantly. And the songs -- contemplating "My Space" (an obnoxious allusion to myspace .com), "My Number" and "Low Rider Jeans" -- lack a true dance-floor hook or meat to grab onto.

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