Warmest regards coming soon from BGE


Here's a letter I expect to receive from BGE any day now:

Dear Valued Customer,

Let's face it: All of us are concerned about rising energy costs and the very real prospect of going without food and clothing to pay for them.

Here's one way to conserve energy: Stop whining about your rising utility bill.

Did you know whining uses up to 4.7 percent of your body's core energy resources?

Well, it does!

By not whining about a utility bill, a family of four can save more than 18 percent in negative-energy reserves, which can be better spent whining about, say, a pay raise at work that never came through or an umpire's questionable call at your child's Little League game.

In this day and age, rising utility costs are a fact of life.

Our suggestion?

Deal with it!

Whether a rate hike is 7 percent or 70 percent, whining about it does little good.

And it's unbecoming, too!

Here's another thing you can do to conserve energy: Don't call us to complain!

Did you know the average telephone conversation between an irate customer and an indifferent BGE service rep uses 7.3 percent of your available energy?

Well, it does!

And of course it's the angry customer who expends most of that energy!

Even a simple opening statement such as "I just received my March bill -- who do you people think you are?" wastes 2.1 percent.

If the tirade continues beyond 30 seconds -- "This is highway robbery, I'm not putting up with it, I'm calling my legislator and blah, blah, blah" -- another 3.3 percent is used.

So here's a tip: If your next BGE bill gets you that upset, put it in a desk drawer where you can't see it!

Then don't think about it!

By not thinking about your BGE bill, your blood pressure will decrease 47 percent and the amount of stress in your life will be cut by at least a third.

Of course, don't forget to pull the bill out of the drawer when it's time to pay us!

Did you know it's illegal to receive utility services and refuse to pay your bill?

Well, it is!

You could go to jail!

In fact, nearly 32 percent of BGE customers who skip out on their bills end up in the slammer!

And of those, 18 percent do hard time!

So when the due date for that bill nears, make sure you write out a check and send it in so we can continue to provide the same uninterrupted service at exorbitant prices our customers have come to expect.

OK, so far we've concentrated on the emotional energy of you, the BGE customer.

But as a homeowner, you may be thinking: Tell me the truth. Are there any energy-saving steps I can take around the house that will really lower my BGE bill?

And the answer, of course, is no.

Ha, ha! Kidding!

Of course there are ways to lower your bill!

Here's one tip: Don't run the heat or air-conditioning.

Did you know there are Hindu holy men and Tibetan monks who can lower the metabolism of their bodies through meditation so that they literally do not feel heat or cold?

Well, there are!

And many of us right here in Maryland, even without formal training in the Eastern religions or rigorous self-hypnosis, could do the same thing if we really tried.

By not heating or cooling the house, the average BGE customer would reduce energy costs by an estimated 77 percent.

Another tip: Don't turn on the lights.

By living in darkness, the average BGE customer can save another 12 percent on utility bills.

Finally: Don't turn on the TV.

Did you know that nearly 90 percent of all network and cable programming is junk?

Well, it is!

And by not watching any of it, you save 5 percent and give yourself a little extra spending money at the end of the month.

Clearly, with just a few simple changes in our lifestyle, we can all help to keep energy costs down.

Remember, it all starts with this: No whining.

Although paying your BGE bill in a timely manner is important, too.

V kevin.cowherd@baltsun.com

To hear podcasts featuring Kevin Cowherd, go to baltimoresun.com/cowherd.

Baltimore Sun Articles
Please note the green-lined linked article text has been applied commercially without any involvement from our newsroom editors, reporters or any other editorial staff.