Early exit starts with dizzy deer

December 29, 2005|By CANDUS THOMSON

We're cheating here.

It's not really the end of the year. Perhaps something zany will happen between now and midnight Saturday. Something that might belong in a collection of wild things gathered from wire services, news releases and tidbits from my colleagues in the outdoors media.

But like you, I'm hoping to sneak out a little early. So, if you won't tell, I won't tell.

Say buh-bye, 2005.

Buck stops here

In this corner, Wayne Goldsberry, 6 feet 1, 200 pounds.

In the other corner, Buck, no last name, 50 pounds, 5-point rack.

In November, Goldsberry was visiting his daughter's house in Bentonville, Ark., when he heard the sound of glass shattering. He went to check.

"I was standing about like this peeking around the corner when the deer came out of the bedroom," Goldsberry said. The deer ran down the hall and into the master bedroom -- "jumping back and forth across the bed."

Goldsberry confronted the deer about its bad manners. The deer was having none of it. After briefly emerging from the bedroom to tell his wife to call the police, Goldsberry went back in.

Forty minutes later, the deer lay dead on the bedroom floor, its neck broken. Goldsberry, who twisted its neck with his bare hands, dragged the carcass out of the house.

"He got kicked several times. He was walking bowlegged for a while," said a deputy sheriff.

Although the deer inflicted damage to life and property, Goldsberry got the last laugh on the intruder. "He's in the freezer," he told reporters.

Return to sender

In February, PETA officials asked Alaska Gov. Frank Murkowski to stop all fishing for king salmon -- the state fish -- because, they said, studies show fish to be "intelligent animals who feel pain."

But Karin Robertson, manager of the "fish empathy project," and Bruce Friedrich, director of vegan campaigns, failed to move Murkowski.

Perhaps it was because they addressed their plea to the "Governor of Alabama."

Down Under blunder

Two snowboarders -- one from New Zealand, the other from Australia -- were arrested in March at Denver International Airport on charges they stole $132,000 from a Vail, Colo., bank.

It wasn't the black ski masks and black snowboard pants that gave the 19-year-old morons away, nor was it their heavy Down Under accents.

No, Luke Carroll and Anthony Prince were caught because, when they entered the bank, they were wearing their employee name tags from a nearby sporting goods store. The bank clerk who usually cashed their paychecks had no trouble identifying them for detectives.

But the pair made it even easier for the FBI. Before boarding a jet to Mexico, they went into a men's room and took pictures of themselves posing with the money. They were arrested while going through security and their digital camera with incriminating photos was confiscated.

Each was sentenced to less than five years in prison.

Mud flap

Sure, your shiny monster 4-by-4 truck has street cred as it climbs curbs and flattens speed bumps in the city. But what about its off-road rep?

A company in Shropshire, England, has come up with an answer straight out of the Ron Popeil handbook: spray-on mud.

According to the company's Web site, the plastic bottle is "just the right size for hiding in a green Wellington boot ... Keep it in your garage, in the boot, or anywhere you like. Just be careful the neighbors don't catch you using it! And remember, you've been visiting friends in the country!"

No wonder we kicked English butt at Yorktown.

Meat mishap

Colorado Rockies shortstop Clint Barmes was batting .329 with eight home runs through 54 games last season. Baseball writers were already touting him as the National League Rookie of the Year.

Then, on June 6, he broke his collarbone and was out 78 games.

His alibi? Teammate Todd Helton, a hunter, got Barmes hooked on venison during a visit to his ranch and gave the shortstop some to take home. While carrying a package of the deer meat up his apartment stairs, the sure-handed infielder dropped it, tripped and fell.

The only witness, one Jane Doe, wasn't talking.

Ocean blubber

Fat people of the world, take note. Adventurer Peter Bethune wants you to fuel his bid for a nautical world record.

The New Zealand engineer is pleading with overweight people to donate their liposuctioned fat to power his speedboat around the world in under 75 days.

Bethune, 39, a former oil exploration engineer, sees gas pumps where others see love handles.

"The thought of a tube stuck in [you] and feeding into the fuel tank does sound like the nirvana of transport fuels," said the skinny skipper. "Just feast at McDonald's twice per day."

A typical liposuction operation produces 6.6 pounds of fat, or enough refined biofuel to drive his boat, Earthrace, 1.3 miles.

Bethune said it will take 18,490 gallons of fat to circle the globe.

That's a lot of Happy Meals.

Catch and release

In June, a bald eagle crashed through the bay window of a Ketchikan, Alaska, home and landed in the living room, scattering broken glass and feathers.

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