Jersey sure is looking for a fight with us

Officials have nerve questioning our talent

Commentary

June 29, 2005|By Kevin Cowherd | Kevin Cowherd,SUN STAFF

Hey, New Jersey, you want a piece of us? Huh?

You lookin' to get your face rearranged or something?

'Cause it said in the newspaper yesterday that you're all bent out of shape about this Defense Department plan to transfer thousands of military jobs from your Fort Monmouth to Aberdeen Proving Ground here in the Free State.

In fact, you're so ticked that some of your state officials have been questioning whether we have enough scientific talent down here to fill all those jobs.

Oh, that's low, New Jersey.

That's really low.

Sounds to us like a certain gray, crowded, heavily industrialized state is cruisin' for a knuckle sandwich.

And that's not just our opinion, either.

"It's going to be a fight," was how Rep. C.A. Dutch Ruppersberger, a Maryland Democrat, characterized the political jujitsu between our state and yours over these jobs in yesterday's Sun.

Well, if it's a fight, all we can say is: Bring it on, baby.

You want scientists, New Jersey?

We got plenty of scientists.

We got so many scientists, some of 'em are forced to stand at intersections holding signs that say: "Will calculate thermonuclear kill-ratios for food."

We got so many scientists that people dissect Fermat's Theorem for cocktail party conversation.

You know Cal Ripken Jr., the baseball great?

The Hall of Fame-bound Iron Man?

Would it surprise you to know he also has a doctorate in differential geometry?

And that Johnny Unitas, God rest his soul, was one of the original scientists who worked on the Manhattan Project?

OK, those two we made up.

But don't talk to us about scientists, New Jersey.

We got so much brain-power down here, the governor has to go on TV every once in a while and order the populace to stop thinking, 'cause we're causing too many ions to ricochet around the atmosphere.

Besides, what makes New Jersey the Egghead Capital of the World all of a sudden?

Sure, you have Princeton University, and a few top-notch military, technical and scientific facilities.

But the rest of the state isn't churning out an army of Jonas Salks, is it?

Look, we've been to Paramus, OK?

They're not exactly holding Mensa Club meetings at the Garden State Mall, from what we can see.

So, in conclusion, all we can say is: Back off, New Jersey.

Stop making those snide remarks about our scientific talent pool.

Don't make us come up there and do something we'll both regret.

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