Where in the world will little Eloise live?

Plaza's going condo on its famed resident

February 02, 2005|By Abigail Tucker | Abigail Tucker,SUN STAFF

Last week, the new owner of New York City's Plaza Hotel announced plans to convert the historic building into condominiums, retail space and a much smaller hotel. Inevitably, the news alarmed devotees of Eloise, the children's literary heroine who happens to have lived at the Plaza for five decades. How will she handle condo life? Not well, we suspect. We wouldn't be surprised if one day soon we saw a missive very much like this (with apologies to Kay Thompson):

Iam Eloise

I am fifty-six

I am an urban lady

I live in a condo

Ooooooooooooooo I absolutely loathe the condo

I had a temper fit when Bill the busboy left

and when Johanna the day maid took early retirement

I scuffed and slomped and made a really terrible racket

Now I have simply nothing to do

You can't just skidder around anymore

If there is a door open you must knock on it anyway

and you can't say charge it please if the neighbor gives you a cookie

and you must not pour a pitcher of water in the mail slot

or the neighbor will call the police

Oh my Lord it's boring

I'm getting addicted to C-SPAN

Nanny says The Plaza's gone to pot pot pot

My mother e-mailed from Paris and rawther agreed

The new kitchen has put Nanny out of her head

She sklonks with the pots and pans

and there is smoke and a smell

Enough is enough is enough she says

Eloise we're ordering out

Here's what I like

Planked Medallion of Beef Tenderloin with Fresh Vegetables Maison

Here's what I get

Lo mein

I miss Rene with Room Service

Pete with Pizza Hut is simply a nuisance

Rene always said, "Bonjour, Eloise, voici votre petit dejeuner"

Pete always says "Here's your pizza" and waits for a tip

I always say "Bonjour, Pete, merci and charge it please"

but the thing of it is

he doesn't even speak French

The Oak Room where I used to steal a mint

is under new management

and the Grand Ballroom where I attended enormous affairs

closed down for good

Instead we have the Laundry Room

and my Lord it is terrible

I put my pink underpants in with the pillowcases

Now absolutely everything is pink

Nanny says we all need some sun

She hopes my mother sends for us soon soon soon

Ooooooooooooooo I absolutely loathe the condo

Maybe there's a room at the Ritz

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