SUN SCORE : * 1/2
Christmas with the Kranks is the perfect movie for anyone who wants their Christmas spirit shoved into them with a crowbar. It's crassly sentimental yet, at the same time, cynical to the nth degree, a film that simultaneously celebrates the joy of Christmas and argues that it can be manufactured at will, turned on and off like a spigot. It's a film that wants it both ways, meaning that absolutely no one should leave the theater satisfied.
Did I mention it's pretty bad?
Tim Allen, who desperately needs to stop being tagged with the label "better than his material," is Luther Krank. Jamie Lee Curtis is his wife, Nora. With a name like Krank, it's a safe bet at least one of these characters is going to be on the unpleasant side, and that's Luther. With their daughter away from home for the first time (she's with the Peace Corps, how adorably laudable), Luther decides that he's had it with the expense and hassle of Christmas. Instead of spending $6,000 on presents, decorations and a big party, why not spend $3,000 on a sea cruise for him and his wife?
Of course, Mr. Krank can't approach this situation rationally, maybe cutting back on the big things (like presents and parties), but letting the little things slide; what's the harm in sticking a few candles in the window? Nope, Luther insists that the Kranks go it cold turkey, banishing the holidays wholly and completely.
Nora's a bit hesitant at first, but the lure of the sea overwhelms her objections, and she signs on. Her heart's never in it, however, and the pangs of regret strike her every time she spots an unaddressed Christmas card or sees poor Frosty sitting in the Krank basement, banished from his customary holiday perch atop the Krank roof.
At least she tries to get with the program. The Kranks' neighbors, however, do not, regarding the couple and their unadorned house with the sort of suspicion and hostility usually reserved for the one house with a Yankees banner amid a sea of Orioles black-and-orange. Led by officious neighborhood supersnoop Vic Frohmeyer (a not-funny Dan Aykroyd), they demand that the Kranks celebrate the season like everyone else. Things really turn nasty when the Kranks not only won't buy a calendar to benefit the police, they even refuse to buy a tree from the Boy Scouts.
Suffused with appropriate levels of venom, there's the potential for a good black comedy here, but it's never even close to realized. As seems to be mandatory with any film dealing with Christmas, Kranks eventually goes all mushy, as trowelful after trowelful of brazenly artificial holiday spirit eventually wears the Kranks down. And just to make sure there's an appropriately cloying ending, there's even a good-hearted neighbor on hand who suffers a recurrence of breast cancer, just in time to ensure everyone realizes how lucky they are.
Christmas with the Kranks is so calculated that it's pathetic, a warm-hearted holiday greeting card with not one scintilla of honest emotion inside. Allen and Curtis, pros that they are, struggle mightily; they're even brave enough to show off their middle-aged bodies in ways most actors would never consider. But no amount of thespian talent can save this movie.
With a script by Chris Columbus (director of the first two Harry Potter films), based on a novel by John Grisham, Christmas with the Kranks would seem to have something. If nothing else, this film proves that appearances can be deceiving.
Christmas with the Kranks
Starring Tim Allen, Jamie Lee Curtis, Dan Aykroyd
Directed by Joe Roth
Released by Columbia Pictures
Rated PG (brief language and suggestive content)
Time 95 minutes
