Redskins are a nightmare in waiting -- at home and in world at large

August 09, 2004|By PETER SCHMUCK

THERE IS A Chrysler sitting in front of my house that has a Washington Redskins license-plate frame, but don't be fooled. My name may be on the registration certificate, but it's not my car and it's not my team.

Given the choice between having a son who's a Daniel Snyder apologist and having my teenage daughter run off with a carny, I'd give the girl a bag of quarters and tell her not to come home without a goldfish.

That's why tonight's Hall of Fame exhibition game against the Denver Broncos is so important - because the Redskins can't lose every game this year if they don't lose the first one.

The sooner the 'Skins are out of contention, the sooner I can stop acting like I'm paying attention while my kid drones on and on about the Mark Brunell/Patrick Ramsey quarterback controversy or Sean Taylor's lousy contract or how Clinton Portis is just as good as Jamal Lewis.

It isn't just a selfish thing. I'm also thinking about the impact that a winning Redskins team might have on the rest of mankind. If a Dan Snyder-owned team has a great season or Snyder (gasp!) ever wins a Super Bowl ring, it could spark a worldwide arrogance shortage.

The kid really is a Redskins fanatic. During an admissions interview with a representative of Pepperdine University a couple of years ago, he was asked to name the most inspirational person in his life.

His answer: Marty Schottenheimer.

This is not a joke. (I'm including a joke in the next item so you'll be able to tell the difference.) It's a true story.

Needless to say, the boy did not end up going to college in Southern California.

There's no truth to the rumor that Snyder was seen in the Pro Football Hall of Fame over the weekend practicing his termination speech on the bronze bust of Joe Gibbs, but I'm going to keep spreading it, anyway.

The Orioles' six-game winning streak coincides exactly with the promotion of Roch Kubatko into our No. 1 beat writer position. He took over on Tuesday, and the Orioles have won every game since.

Nothing against former Orioles beat guy Joe Christensen, who has assumed the nearly impossible task of adequately replacing me as national baseball writer, but this Kubatko guy is on a roll.

Still scratching my head over a recent comment from Los Angeles Times sportswriter Ross Newhan, who was asked on Comcast SportsNite how it felt to watch his son David play regularly in the major leagues.

"It's sort of like Christmas came early," Newhan said.

I've known Newhan for more than 25 years and I could have sworn he was Jewish, so I contacted him this week to clarify the situation ... and find out why I've never even gotten a card during the holidays.

"I regretted that the moment I said it," he said.

FM radio personality Bob Lopez (98 Rock) sang the national anthem before Saturday's Orioles game and proved he is a multitalented individual. He can sing, tell jokes and torment morning radio wrangler Jerry Coleman with equal proficiency.

Camden Yards Atkins Diet tip: When you buy a $6 hot dog on the Club Level, try to sell the bun to one of your rich, chubby friends for seven dollars. If that fails, wear it on your head.

Final word: Despite the winning streak, I'm still a little concerned about our new Orioles beat writer. The other day I told Roch my plasma screen television was broken, and he asked me if I wanted him to give blood.

Editor's note: Peter Schmuck doesn't even have a plasma screen TV, so there is no way Roch Kubatko really said that. One week as a columnist and this guy is totally out of control.

Contact Peter Schmuck (at your own peril) at

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